The Least I Could Do

Valley of the Temples Memorial Park, Cemetery, Cremation, Funeral in Kaneohe, HI

In Chapters 28 – 32 in my book of life, I used to deliver meals to senior citizens. To this day, that is the best job I ever had! I learned empathy, the meaning of poverty, resilience, and community. Even now, I want to cry remembering how special those moments were for me. I learned a whole different meaning for the word love. I loved those people and I was dedicated to delivering their meals each and every day. I never missed a day of work. I was like the post office, meals delivered even on holidays. Today, as I was going through one of my totes, I found cards and little notes from a few clients. I got so emotional.

I remember I had a client who was 92 years old. I came to deliver her meal and her son said she was in the hospital. I was so worried. She was one of those old ladies that was effortlessly cool and stylish. I wanted to be like her when I grew up. It isn’t working for me at all. Not cool or stylish. More nerdy and awkward. When she was out of the hospital and her meal delivery resumed,  I was happy to see her. I told her I had been worried and I was glad she was okay. She said, “Honey, only the good die young.” I loved her even more after that. I can only imagine the adventures she had.

I had another client who her and her husband both received meals. One day, I came to their apartment and her husband had passed away. Understandably, she was devastated. I gave her a hug, her meal, and we talked for a little bit. The next time I saw her, she thanked me. She said she needed that hug and my kind words. I am still happy to this day that my one small gesture had an impact on her. There were other stories like this where the husband or wife died and those poor seniors were all alone. It became even more important to me to be the bright spot in their day.

It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. A dog bit me on the butt. It was actually funny, but it could have been worse if he was a bigger dog. The sons of the moms trying to talk to me. When you have to see someone five times a week and they don’t take the hint, it gets annoying. I even had one of the male clients try to mouth kiss me. Yuck 🤢! He was a 90 something year old man. I’ll give him credit, he did look good for his age, but still, Yuck! The kicker, he was married to some young thang. Well, younger than him by about 40 years. Of course, there was the times I  arrived at a home and found out a client had passed or them being removed from my route because they died. I was so attached to my seniors. It made me extremely sad to ride past their house on the way to someone else. I always thought about them and missed speaking with them.

I wished that back then I was rich. I would have done that job for free. Unfortunately, I was poor, and working for minimum wage could not sustain me. I ended up accepting a permanent position at Target and I could not continue to work both jobs. I let my seniors go. Thankfully, the people who worked there had the same love for the seniors as I did, and no beats were missed. Another benefit from that job, I made lifelong friends. There are a couple of people I still talk to or hang out with to this day.

Even now, when I see cute little old people, my heart clenches from their adorableness. Seniors still have my heart. I am so glad I kept all those little notes and cards. It brightens my day to break them out and read them every so many years. If I had this life to live over, I would get rich and deliver meals until I couldn’t do it anymore. On top of some other things, but we won’t go into that today. Stay well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

It’s On The Way

A beautiful sunrise in Hawaii

As I listened to a sermon this morning, I felt like the message didn’t apply to me. I was like, I’m going to send this to my cousin. This applies to her so well. I saved the link to make sure that I had it to send to her. Yet, when I think about what I want for my life, it could apply to me. I am single and would like to be married. I have enjoyed my life in my singleness. I have not been waiting on a man to come to start to live. I have brought a house, I have traveled solo and with others, I go to restaurants by myself, I take road trips, I do the things. I have not or am not waiting on my husband to live my life. But I realized there is more I want for my life. I want to have a successful blog that thousands of people are reading, I want to write a book or two (that is all I have in me right now, I don’t know what God has planned), I want to buy another house (I sold the first one), preferably on the water. I still want things for my life that can happen while I wait. I am not sitting here whining and bemoaning the fact that I am not married, but it does cross my mind, a lot. I mean shit, I’m almost fifty! I’m digressing. Lol. I guess I need to focus more on completing my other goals and let God do His thing in the background. Thank you Pastor JJ for the word I didn’t ask for, but I needed.

When I first started to write this, Multiple Sclerosis (MS) popped in my brain as well. MS is a journey and the destination would be a cure. The same goes for this journey as it does the journey for marriage, I have to find ways to enjoy my life along the way. This, I find a lot harder to do. MS presents to me as a deterrent to me enjoying my journey. I like solo travel yet I feel there are less places I can go on my own due to safety concerns. I have to think about everything from a perspective of accessibility. It is limiting, very much so. Deep sigh. I can’t pick and chose how this message Pastor JJ delivered applies. Maybe the real purpose of this message wasn’t about the husband and marriage, but about the MS. I am bemoaning this part of my life. I don’t be whining though 😆. Just another thing to talk about in therapy. I am going to be in therapy the rest of my life at the rate I’m going. Lol.

Just some Sunday morning thoughts. I hope your day is off to a great start. If you would like to listen to Pastor JJ’s message, here is the link.

I just clicked on it because I needed a word. I didn’t realize it was a year old. God must I felt I really needed this message. Happy Sunday! Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

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Disability Preparedness

I watched a video recently where a guy was instructing people with disabilities applying for Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) on how to answer the question of “Tell me what you do in a day” or something like that. He said be detailed and speak of the difficulties and the pain. Let them know of what type of assistance you use or assistance you may require from others. This was actually some good advice to me. I know that if I was asked this question I would be very matter of fact. I got up, took a shower, made coffee, pack my lunch, went to work, returned home, made dinner, wash clothes. Went to bed around 12 am. Not saying I do all of that in a day, but most days can be a variation of this. If I was the person designated to approve me for SSDI, and I had no heart or soul (😆), I would probably deny me too. Of course, I am the type of person that is naive enough to think they would ask follow up questions like, “Did you have any difficulty get in and out of the shower?”, “Did you struggle to make it through your work day and if so, what were your issues?”, “What did you make for dinner?”. I guess that is just me 🤷🏾‍♀️. Also, when people normally ask that question, no one really wants to know what you did in your day, and we are programmed to give vague responses. The truth on how the day is for someone with a disability is so vastly different than a quick rundown.

I won’t give you my whole day, but we’ll stick with the beginning. This is how I presume I should answer the question. And this may be even a little too pared-down.

Wake up 2 and a half hours before I am due in to work. I need time to rest and recover after each step of getting ready. Take a solid 15 minutes to get out of bed because I have to wait for my legs to join the party. I use my inside walker to make it to the bathroom. Can I make it without it? Yes, but it is slow going and takes more energy to balance and move. I use a shower seat to make my showers easier but I still use a good amount of energy getting in and out of the shower because it is a shower tub combo and I have to get my legs in over the tub. Also, there is parts of bathing that requires me to stand and that takes energy to balance. After shower, sit on the bed for a few minutes getting up the energy for the next steps. Struggling with putting on clothing due to legs not bending or cooperating as a whole. Finally dressed and up. Pack my lunch and make coffee. Constantly having to balance in the kitchen as I take things in and out of the fridge. Lunched pack, bookbag on walker, heading for the door. Hours have now past from the time I woke up and now it is 8:45 am or so. At the door, move my bookbag from inside walker to outside walker. Move lunchbag as well. Take my time stepping down the two steps. Wheel the walker to the car, put in bags, fold up the walker, and lift into my SUV. Make it to the drivers seat. Pause and figure out if my leg is going to lift up to get in or if I will have to do the butt in method. Two or five minutes later depending, I can leave.

I am exhausted just typing that out. Now, I am sure that most people do similar activities to get ready in the mornings. Yet, how many of you actually think about it? You probably operate on autopilot, and most of this can be done in an hour or less. I would still describe my morning as generically as most of you would, but it is a whole ass production. And then these systems that we pay into with each paycheck or dollar earned feels the need to deny us because we didn’t give a detailed answer to a question?!?! It is baffling to me.

With all of this being said, I’m not ready to apply for disability. I feel that I would be limited in my life and experiences if I take their petty offerings. I am determined to live this life to the fullest that I am capable of and that my resources allow. I no longer have good days. I just have days. This day, that day. Stray Kids, this and that, this and that. Seriously though, I get up, I get to it, and I make it happen. I veg out on the weekends to recover from using my physical and mental energy all week. I throw in events with friends and family when I can. I travel when it is affordable and accessible. Honestly, I hope to never have to depend on the system. I have paid into it for over 30 years, yet I can’t imagine the life I would live if I utilize it. I pray God for strength to get out there and do what is necessary to continue living financially and physically independent.

I know I don’t talk much about Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I think people with disabilities don’t want to seem like we are whining or complaining. That we are looking for sympathy or pity. I know that is how I feel at least. This is a life lived. My life lived with MS. No different from your life lived with whatever your struggles are. Yet, I do feel like I underplay (is that a word?) what is really happening in my life. I also don’t want people worrying about me, even though they probably do any damn way. I am okay. It is not easy or glamorous, but it works. I may start speaking on MS more. I realize that I may be the only person that you know with MS and how will you get a better understanding if I don’t talk about it. That is assuming that you want a better understanding. Either way, if you are reading this, I am going to believe that you do. Anyway, be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

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