Ok let’s start off with a long overdue update. In my previous post Socially Awkward AF, I talked about an issue I had navigating social media. Well my 1% of hope paid off for me. The individual I sent the message to was the only one who received it and he responded back with some laughing emojis (🤣🤣). Pffff…Thank God. Lol. If you have not read that post, I recommend you go back and check it out. It is pretty funny.
I am in a place in my life where I am working on me so that I can create the life I want to live. It is going really slow and I wish I could say I am okay with that. I’m not. I’m not handling parts of this growth period well. I have been off work since April. I just knew that God would speak to me and tell me my purpose/what I’m to do next in my life. That I would use this time off for major breakthroughs and answers. I feel I have been open to listening to His word. Holding off on making any major decisions without His guidance. Well…I’m still waiting.
I am finding myself being so hypervigilant lately. I’m looking for signs everywhere. I look for signs driving down the street. Seeing if anything jumps out at me. Reading books and listening to seminars about how to find your purpose. The answer has to be out there. Is it me? Has He spoken to me and I didn’t hear it? Or did I block it out because it was not what I wanted to hear. Like seriously, can I get a hint? I am restless and I feel so unproductive. These are terrible feelings. My skin feels tight. Like a snake who has outgrown its skin and I need to shed it. And that would be fine and dandy if I knew what my next step was. I’m paralyzed.
Twenty four hours or 1440 minutes or even 86,400 seconds come and go. Day in and day out. Time I will never get back. I want these seconds, minutes, hours to count. I want to serve others by serving in my purpose. It is the only thing that would give my life fulfillment. I think of how badly I want a house on the ocean, a Tesla and a husband. If I was to get all of these before knowing my purpose, I would feel as if something was missing. As said by Ralph Waldo Emerson,
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
And Buddha,
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”
I need my purpose. Sooner rather than later.
I know I’m not the only one, but it feels like it. When we get stuck in our worries and fears, we can feel so alone. I share my truths to let people know they are not alone. I know some people do it because it is therapeutic. It totally is not for me. It just makes me feel like a loser. Lol. I just have to know that when the time is right it will happen. I have to operate in faith. Keep tugging away at these small goals and leaps. It sucks especially because we just started reading a book called You² by Price Pritchett in book club. This book talks about taking quantum leaps. Jumping several steps in the process to get to the greater reward even if you don’t know where you will land. If it will even be beneficial. Scary huh?
When God comes through and says this is you, I’m jumping off the highest bridge, head first. No helmet, no harness, no bungee cord. I’ll be damned if I miss this opportunity. I know God has spoken to me in the past. And I questioned it, hesitated and just stalled out. Not again. I have wasted too much time. I want it all!
Is God speaking to you? Even if you don’t believe in God, is something nudging you? Saying go here, do this, let them go. Do you follow these commands? As I just wrote that, I have to acknowledge God has been speaking to me. I just want the major push! But let’s not discredit the small ones. Each little step will get you closer to the quantum leap. But most importantly, DON’T GIVE UP! Continue to be well and whole and open. Whatever it is for you, it’s coming. Much Love 🧡 💚