This is not exactly how I thought 40 was going to go. Not even close. I am not sure if I can put into words my expectations of this year versus the reality. I can say I thought there would be more trips. Haven’t went on one yet. More dates with friends or men. A couple of friend dates, no men dates at all. More blog posts. Y’all can see how that is going so far. Just more from the last couple of years. I had a great feeling about 40. Not so much now. I don’t have a bad feeling, but it is no longer great. Right now I’m sure people are thinking, why are you not doing anything to make it great? I’ve tried. Most of my plans have been interrupted by unforeseen circumstances or cancellations. The things that I want to do I can, but I don’t want to do by myself. Or just being tired as hell. You know, life. I am usually not one to let things get me down and keep me there. I bounce back quickly. It is weird to feel a chip on my shoulder two days in a row. And other people are noticing it 😨. Not good. So I am sitting here brainstorming ways to get out of this funk.
I know one thing I need is more restful sleep. Lately I having been having dreams about doing the most mundane tasks. I usually have extremely crazy dreams like something out of a twisted horror movie. Honestly, I prefer the crazy ones over the ones where I am cleaning up spills off a floor. Who the hell wants to do that in a dream? Or wash dishes? Or answer phones? The real problem is that it takes me longer to realize it is a dream. I find myself having cleaned half the house before I realize it’s a dream. When they are crazy dreams, since it is so unrealistic, I can pull myself out of them as soon as they go left. Needless to say, I’m not sleeping well. Not sure if over the counter sleep aids work, but at this point it seems like it is worth a try.
Meditation is also an option. I have been interested in meditation for a while. I have even tried it a few times. I cannot keep my mind from wandering. What the hell? I mean not even for a full minute. I think I should invest in some books or some form of research that will help me get past my unfocused mind. Or even yoga. Now I am a little leery about yoga due to my balance issues. The last thing I need is to fall. But I guess chair yoga is an option. Any classes in Toledo that would be later in the day? Most yoga classes are too early in the damn morning, lol, or right in the middle of the day.
As I am reading this back, these seem like some poor ass excuses. Now I have to figure out if this is true. Now I also feel the need to read books about focus, motivation and perseverance. Does anyone else’s mind work like this? I am truly all over the place today and just like this most days. Can y’all imagine my posts if I didn’t take the time to sort through my thoughts? I think people would have a hard time following along. I’m sure there are a few crazies like me that would follow along though. I guess what I am trying to say is I am without direction and unfocused. Unbalanced in my current life. I have been thrown off and I am not sure how to get back on track. I am sure this period of uncertainty will work itself out. It is just no fun going through it right now. If I am in any way mean to you, please don’t take it personal. It is definitely me, not you. Unless you are one of those people who always gets on my nerves, then it’s you. Lol.
As I find my way back to a balanced life, I say to you, be well and whole.