I cannot say that 2018 was a really bad year for me. It was alright. I’ve definitely lived through worse and was happy to come out on the other side. It was just boring. It was taxing. And in the end, it drained all of my creative juices. I haven’t crocheted since July😕. I can’t even come up with a pattern for the blanket that I want to make. This leaves me without a legitimate reason to buy yarn. Lol. I am now wasting my money on panties. I cannot find an excuse as to why I need any more of them so I don’t even try. I will refrain from purchasing any for now. Don’t know how long that will last.
Since we are talking about my bad habits. I have been reflecting on my past life decisions and evaluating myself closely. Well as close as one can when they are aware of their flaws but really don’t want to learn too many more. The things that people don’t like about me I do not care about. The things that I don’t like about myself are the ones I am concerned with right now. So I have to get in there and figure out what the hell is going on with me. Here are a few things that I realized….
~ I realize that I cannot write at home. I need to get out the house. I need to go some place that provides me with a sense of peace to still my mind. That is when I can get to the thoughts hidden underneath all of the mundane things, worrying things and unnecessary things. This blog will not die. This requires me to set aside time that is solely for writing. The water is my happy place so I must get there regularly.
~ Has my lack of vulnerability hindered me from finding a life mate? I am not sure, but I know that it is an issue. After listening to my audiobook, “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown, I knew something was seriously wrong with me. Seriously! I don’t want to miss out on anything in this life. Especially if the thing that could be holding me back is within me and fixable. This one right here may take all year for me. I think that I have prided myself on my lack of vulnerability and have worn my toughness as a shield and a medal at the same time. Like you can’t get to me. You won’t even know that I care. And if I do and you hurt me, you won’t see my pain. No one will. Not sure who benefitted from this. Pretty sure I didn’t. I have still been hurt and healed in a fractured way. Now I have to break these disjointed parts and expose myself. Yes it is scary, but I believe that it is necessary.
~ The things that I feel should be important to me are easily pushed aside for whatever reason. This one right here has been a constant throughout my adult life. I am not sure if what I say I value is really what I do value. Or if my action plan to accomplish these things is not really actionable. Either way it goes shit is not getting done. As I create a new list of goals to accomplish for 2019, I need to decide if this goal lines up with my values. I need to also write down specifically what I am trying to achieve and steps that will allow me make my goal a reality. This sounds like it covers all bases.
~ Last one, I am so delinquent when it comes to social media. I don’t feel as if it is important to me. I was online looking for a cover photo for 2019 for my Facebook page when it hit me, I don’t think that I took down the one I put up last year for 2018. Goes on Facebook, yep it’s still there. I am slightly embarrassed. When I look at my profile picture it is worse. It is the picture I took on my 40th birthday in 2017 😂😂😂. Yeah I need to work on my social media presence. I think that it can be a time waster so I rarely go on it. The reality is, if I want to increase the number of subscribers that read my blog regularly, I have to get on there and promote it. I have created a Facebook page for my blog, but haven’t share it with anyone. Haven’t done anything to the page since its creation. I need to utilize the platforms that are available to me. I am too antisocial to network and give my 30 second elevator speech.
I am sitting here waiting for the ball to drop signaling the change of day, which also changes the year. I can’t lie I am bringing in the new year as I have the last couple of years. Fighting to stay awake. I have already taken a nap but it’s not helping me. Lol. I have expectations for this new year. I have goals. I have faith. Nothing different from this past year. Somehow, I know this new year will be different. Starting with the fact that I love my new planner 😀. I know it will be different because I will be different. This new year is all about me. It is accurately labeled as The Year of Me. Until 2019 and beyond, be well and whole.