Ebony on Everything

I cannot say that 2018 was a really bad year for me. It was alright. I’ve definitely lived through worse and was happy to come out on the other side. It was just boring. It was taxing. And in the end, it drained all of my creative juices. I haven’t crocheted since July😕. I can’t even come up with a pattern for the blanket that I want to make. This leaves me without a legitimate reason to buy yarn. Lol. I am now wasting my money on panties. I cannot find an excuse as to why I need any more of them so I don’t even try. I will refrain from purchasing any for now. Don’t know how long that will last.

Since we are talking about my bad habits. I have been reflecting on my past life decisions and evaluating myself closely. Well as close as one can when they are aware of their flaws but really don’t want to learn too many more. The things that people don’t like about me I do not care about. The things that I don’t like about myself are the ones I am concerned with right now. So I have to get in there and figure out what the hell is going on with me. Here are a few things that I realized….

~ I realize that I cannot write at home. I need to get out the house. I need to go some place that provides me with a sense of peace to still my mind. That is when I can get to the thoughts hidden underneath all of the mundane things, worrying things and unnecessary things. This blog will not die. This requires me to set aside time that is solely for writing. The water is my happy place so I must get there regularly.

~ Has my lack of vulnerability hindered me from finding a life mate? I am not sure, but I know that it is an issue. After listening to my audiobook, “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown, I knew something was seriously wrong with me. Seriously! I don’t want to miss out on anything in this life. Especially if the thing that could be holding me back is within me and fixable. This one right here may take all year for me. I think that I have prided myself on my lack of vulnerability and have worn my toughness as a shield and a medal at the same time. Like you can’t get to me. You won’t even know that I care. And if I do and you hurt me, you won’t see my pain. No one will. Not sure who benefitted from this. Pretty sure I didn’t. I have still been hurt and healed in a fractured way. Now I have to break these disjointed parts and expose myself. Yes it is scary, but I believe that it is necessary.

~ The things that I feel should be important to me are easily pushed aside for whatever reason. This one right here has been a constant throughout my adult life. I am not sure if what I say I value is really what I do value. Or if my action plan to accomplish these things is not really actionable. Either way it goes shit is not getting done. As I create a new list of goals to accomplish for 2019, I need to decide if this goal lines up with my values. I need to also write down specifically what I am trying to achieve and steps that will allow me make my goal a reality. This sounds like it covers all bases.

~ Last one, I am so delinquent when it comes to social media. I don’t feel as if it is important to me. I was online looking for a cover photo for 2019 for my Facebook page when it hit me, I don’t think that I took down the one I put up last year for 2018. Goes on Facebook, yep it’s still there. I am slightly embarrassed. When I look at my profile picture it is worse. It is the picture I took on my 40th birthday in 2017 😂😂😂. Yeah I need to work on my social media presence. I think that it can be a time waster so I rarely go on it. The reality is, if I want to increase the number of subscribers that read my blog regularly, I have to get on there and promote it. I have created a Facebook page for my blog, but haven’t share it with anyone. Haven’t done anything to the page since its creation. I need to utilize the platforms that are available to me. I am too antisocial to network and give my 30 second elevator speech.

I am sitting here waiting for the ball to drop signaling the change of day, which also changes the year. I can’t lie I am bringing in the new year as I have the last couple of years. Fighting to stay awake. I have already taken a nap but it’s not helping me. Lol. I have expectations for this new year. I have goals. I have faith. Nothing different from this past year. Somehow, I know this new year will be different. Starting with the fact that I love my new planner 😀. I know it will be different because I will be different. This new year is all about me. It is accurately labeled as The Year of Me. Until 2019 and beyond, be well and whole.

I have been neglecting my site and my loyal readers. I am not giving up on this here blog. It means too much to me. I do need to work some things out and get back on track. I just ask that you all don’t give up on me. That you continue to be patient with me. I have so many things that I want to share with you. My birthday road trip with beautiful pictures included, my trip to the Art Museum, Me Part 3 (I’m really starting to see that I am truly a one of a kind mess lol) and random observations to name a few. While I find my way back to being well and whole, I hope that you all continue to be well and whole. That you enjoy the last days of this year and all that it brings. Much love 😘. Be back soon.

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. I had been thinking about this day for the last 2 – 3 weeks. When it gets close to my birthday, I tend to reflect back on my last year. What I wanted to do, what I actually did. Then I think ahead. What do I want to do, how am I going to do it? As usual each year goes by and I end up not exactly where I want to be, most times not even close. Some things I had control over and I did not act accordingly. Others, not so much. Like for instance, the weather today. Ugh!! I had plans to go to the University of Toledo and ride around on a Lime electric scooter. I was really looking forward to it. I know it sounds childish, but I don’t care. Lol. Since it is forecasted to rain all day, I guess not. Yes I know I can still ride in the rain, but not with my hair freshly done.

I will not undo the miracle that Sydona managed on this unruly mop. 💇🏾 At this point I haven’t figured out a Plan B for this day. Maybe nothing, maybe food (yes), or maybe the Art Museum. They have an exhibit that I have been wanting to attend. It is called “Community” by Rebecca Louise Law. It will be at the Toledo Art Museum until January 13, 2019. The exhibit is free on Thursdays open from 5 pm – 9 pm. Or you can attend the other days the museum is open at a cost of $10 and other special pricing based on age. For more details, www.toledomuseum.org. Something to do with flowers so if you have an allergy to pollen and such, may not be for you. Or just take a Claritin.

Anyhoo, here I am 41. I won’t go into details but life is pretty much the same as it was last year on this day. What am I going to do about it? Honestly, I don’t fucking know 🤷🏾! What I do know is I’ve got to do something. I have a week off to figure it out. Road trip! My birthday trip this year is all about me doing exactly what I want to do. Starting off with heading up North to visit the Cross in the Woods in Indian River, MI and hopefully seeing beautiful autumn scenery. Doing a turn and burn to head down south. I visit my mom at least once a year but I never get to stop along the way. I always wanted to stop and just meander. Go through Kentucky and see what’s over the next hill. That lookout spot on the expressway. The trees, the colors of the leaves. I do appreciate the little things. This trip will allow me to really enjoy them, immerse myself in them. Take pictures, listen to audiobooks, read, set new life goals and plans. Oh and the music. How I love music. Oh wait I already told y’all that. Lol. I need to load my player today. Human contact not necessary, except for my stop off in Cincinnati to see my friend. Haven’t officially been there to visit her yet. Something always comes up. I was there for this special moment though.

Not sure if I will write any posts while I am on this odyssey. I do promise to share after though. Depending on how good this goes, I may make a point of repeating yearly. Riding out of wherever I am living at that point and heading to explore some new territory. It really sounds like so much fun to me. I have to think of some clever title to give it. Lol. Oh or if any of you have some name suggestions, leave it in the comments.

I would like to thank each and every one of you that has reached out to wish me a happy birthday. For the people who celebrated with me Friday and Saturday, I thank you for getting me out of my shell. I really enjoyed myself as I always do when I am with you ladies. And for the ones that wanted to be here but could not, another day. We can always celebrate any day that God has given us. Hopefully with food and drink. Lol. For everyone else, be well and whole.