Ebony on Everything

What is the worst thing that could happen to your car besides a car accident? Besides someone stealing it? Besides someone breaking in? Besides a bird pooping through your sunroof? Besides leaving the windows down and it raining in the car? Ok, when I think about it, there are a lot of worse things that can happen. Lol. Well a really bad thing did happen though! A stinky thing. I forgot a bottle of apple cider vinegar in my car, it froze and busted. I mean this is some traumatic shit. The smell of the shot of apple cider vinegar I take in the morning makes me gag, now my whole car smells like that 🤢. Not cool. I did take it to get detailed and so far no more stink. Hoping the smell doesn’t come back 🤞🏾.

Lately I have been wanting to write. Like pen to paper. I compose all of my blog posts in my Evernote app then transfer them over to WordPress when I am ready to publish. I never write them. Even when I have a small idea that I want to expand upon later, I put it in my Samsung notes. I haven’t done much writing over the last couple years. Recently I wrote a letter to a friend and mailed it. Lol. I went straight old school. I used to love to write. I have been cleaning out the house and I discovered so many journals from when I used to write. I still have my very first journal. It’s missing a few pages (don’t ask), but it’s still intact.

I was a journal junkie. I would buy them, use about 25% of the pages, see a cuter one and upgrade. So I didn’t know what was in these journals. I read through a couple of them and I was so disturbed. For one, I said some pretty mean shit to myself. Things I wouldn’t dare say now. I was so cute back then. Probably not the best personality (😄), but no reason to be down on myself. Two, I spun my wheels year after year after year. Same shit, different year. I was going nowhere. Even when I told myself that I was going to adopt a new way of thinking or being, I went back to the old way. I dated the same type of guys and wrote about my feelings as if I was experiencing them for the first time. No, it was a repeat of the last relationship.

The thing is maybe if I had went back and read these journals before now, I probably could have saved myself some heartache. I probably could have seen these patterns and stopped repeating them. But I didn’t. It hurt a little, naw, a lot to know I wasted so much time. Does anyone else feel like this? Time I could have been doing big things and not worrying about those losers 😆.

I have been wise enough over the years to not allow myself to regret anything though. What’s done is done. Find the silver lining and the lesson and move on. I can’t imagine how miserable I would be if I had regrets. Because most of the things I have done in my life I would not do again. Lol.

So what’s my point? I don’t know. Read your journals so you don’t keep making the same mistakes. Uh, don’t regret the mistakes you’ve made. Whatever happened in your life up until this very moment is the past. We learn from it but we don’t dwell in it. Show yourself some compassion. Though you may think that you are the only one who hasn’t figured it out, that is far from true. There is someone else, hell a lot of people, out there still running in place. And up until about 3 years ago, I was one of them. And mind you, I am only trotting along. I am not even close to running to meet my goals. Just know, you have another day to make it happen. So make it happen, okay? Okay! Be well and whole. Much love 🧡💚

Last month, I was on a roll. I posted more blogs in the first two weeks than I did for 2 months last year. It was awesome! Then life happened, as it always will. I was presented with the study materials to get certification as a Chemical Dependency Counseling Assistant (CDCA) and a two week deadline. Well I did that! It did however take all my spare time after work which meant no blog posts. Then of course I was mentally exhausted, so still no blog posts. I’m back now.

Yesterday as I walked out of the apartment building with a garbage bag full of clothes, oversized purse filled to capacity and my faithful walking stick, I had a surprise. No I did not fall again. Lol. But I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t going to happen. I was struggling carrying myself, the bags and walking in the snow with ice underneath. I pictured myself laid out in the snow with my work clothes on 😂. Unharmed, of course. It would have been fun like back when I was a kid. Anyways, my neighbor, who rarely talks to me, offered to take my “garbage” to the dumpster for me. I informed her that it was clothes and thanked her for the offer. She got in her car and left for work as did I.

There was 2 things that I got out of that interaction. One, this made my whole day. I was so blown over by her kindness. When you stay in a multi-unit apartment building it can be pretty impersonal. Not much interaction with your neighbors beside “Hi” as you pass each other in the hallway. And it doesn’t help that I am anti-social. Lol. So for someone to think of me, it really brightened my day. Recently I had decided to start writing in my gratitude journal again. I definitely documented this encounter.

Two, I am not who I thought I was. Or I guess I am not consistently living as the person I want to be. As I said above, I am anti-social but I’m friendly. If I make eye contact with you I speak. Before mask and even with mask(though no one can see), I smile at people all the time. Yesterday I realized that I have been such a jerk. I never speak to my neighbor. Yes the same lady who offered to help me. I never speak. We usually leave out around the same time every work day and yet I will let her walk past and not say a word. Don’t throw up a friendly wave. Nothing.

To my credit, she doesn’t have a friendly countenance but I have never let that stop me before. That usually makes me want to win the person over even more. I be like, “I am going to make you speak to me” (in my head of course). Yes, I have issues. So why did I let that stop me this time. Why do I rarely speak to my neighbors, who are probably nice people? Why have I changed? When did I become a mirror for other people’s energy?

I don’t know. But I don’t fucking like it! As Maya Angelou says, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Well dammit I know better, I been knew better. I am disappointed in myself for being less than the best version of myself. “Always Do Your Best” is one of the Four Agreements and this year I really wanted to focus on making them a part of my every day life. So now, I have to do better and be consistent with it. No more excuses.

I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for awareness. I am grateful for the opportunity to mess things up and then God gives me another day to make it happen, the right way. I am grateful that you are still reading my blog after that brief hiatus. Be safe. Stay well and whole. Much Love 🧡💚

P.S. Punxsutawney Phil (what a terrible name), the groundhog, saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter, if you believe in that. Lol

“Won’t it be wonderful when black history and Native American history and Jewish history and all of U.S. history is taught from one book. Just U.S. history.” – Maya Angelou

Wouldn’t it be great for Black history, Native American history and Jewish history, which is U.S. history, be celebrated year round?

Stay well and whole. Much love 🧡💚