Ebony on Everything

Yo, the people are asking to hear my voice… – Lin Manuel Miranda as Alexander Hamilton

I have tried to spare you from my sad stories. I have waited an additional 30+ days since my last post, just hoping that what I felt would clear up like the sky after a storm. Unfortunately, it hasn’t and now I have people a little worried about me. So I can’t wait any longer. Hell, maybe me writing it out is the cure. And here I am procrastinating. I don’t know.

Truth is I’m broken. I would like to blame it all on Covid but I can’t. I was feeling a little off before I contracted the virus. The virus just seal the deal. It feels like there is a wall up in my brain and everything I love and care about is on the other side of that wall.  I know that those things are still there but I just can’t get to them.

I have driven miles down my favorite street, watched fireworks, sat along the water, witnessed sunrises, prayed during it all. Yet…my spark is gone. While I am suppose to be making the best of every day, I find myself just existing. Participating in my day to day life on autopilot. Smile, wave, good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Proper responses, just the right amount of attention but not completely present. Can anyone relate?

It is so much more that I could say but I struggle to put it into words. These feeling aren’t unfamiliar. I have felt a restless tension within myself for years. Unfulfilled with my place in life. I snap out of it though. I can usually find joy in the simple things. Gratitude for all that is. Maybe I’m just being ungrateful 😆. I don’t know and that is the problem. How do I fix me when I can’t figure out what is broken?

I’m okay, but I am not well and whole. But I hope you are. I hope whoever is reading this can’t relate. I don’t want this for you. I want the best for you. You deserve it. You are worthy. Much love 🧡💚

I know that this is a personal blog but at the same time I feel as if some things are too personal. My goal is to uplift and inspire you. Some of my stories don’t fall in this category. I don’t ever want to use this blog like people use Facebook. Venting all their frustrations and whining about all their problems. I usually unfollow those kinds of people.

But one of my other goals with this blog is to help people know they are not alone.  Sometimes we feel like we are the only person that experiences certain things. Of course we aren’t. But if no one tells their tale how do we know? That is what I am here for. I will tell my tales, good, bad, crazy, sometimes unbelievable and usually funny.

At the same time, my tales can be sad, realistic and uninspiring. Too much of real life. Yet, these stories also need to be told. People relate and connect to sad stories, probably more than the good ones. I know it makes me feel seen. It also fills me with empathy for others. It makes me want to reach out to that person and let them know they are not alone.

I say all this to let you know, I want to connect with you on a different level. I want to tell my sad tales. But I don’t want to overwhelm you with them. I just hope that with me sharing some of the other side, you will feel seen. You will know that you are not alone. We, as human beings on this Earth, are going to go through shit. It’s unavoidable. So sometimes our shit is the same shit.

You have been forewarned. Sad shit ahead 😆. If you can relate to any of my sad posts and you want to connect, please feel free to reach out. I’m here for you. Now, I may not respond the same day but I will definitely respond back. Being well and whole isn’t acting as if nothing is wrong. Acknowledging when we are off track is part of being well and whole. Allowing ourselves to feels those feelings and get to the other side is the key to staying well and whole. I want for you what I want for me, to be well and whole. Much love 🧡💚

I have just been thinking. Thinking and not thinking. Thinking about random weird shit. Thinking about life and death. Thinking about sickness. Thinking about the world opening back up and what could possibly happen. My mind is always so overwhelmed with thoughts. I sat down one day to write them out. I wrote two sentences. I wrote “I’m unhappy and I can’t shake it. I am ready to live a different life but I’m stuck in this one.” Deep huh?

I am sure some people will ask, “Well what are you waiting for?” The problem is I waited too long. I reached my expiration date last year. But I had loose ends to tie up, selling my house. So I signed another year lease on my apartment to make sure all was taken care of. To make sure that when I leave I don’t have to come back. But now the house is sold and I have to reconcile with being here. And I haven’t done that yet. I am ready to spread my wings and fly. It doesn’t help that summer and nice weather is around the corner.

I know this post is a little heavy but I feel like it is necessary. I know I am not the only one person who feels this way. I know I’m not the only person who wakes up and feels the sameness. I know I’m not the only person who wants to run away and sit on a beach as they watch the sunrise. The one good thing for me is that it will change. I am moving at the end of this year as soon as my lease is up. I’ll be in South Carolina sitting on the beach watching the sunrise. How about you? What are you waiting for?

It is not to late to make that change. The unhappiness and the sameness of life, especially after coming through this last year, can be overwhelming. It can stifle your creativity. It can kill your imagination. It can dim your light. Hell, I was thinking about taking an embroidery class to break this sameness. Lol. I didn’t sign up, but it’s not off the table. How can you break the sameness? What have you been wanting to try? What place have you wanted to visit?

Life is short and time flies. I know these are played out sayings but they still hold true. In about a week in a half, it will be June. What the hell? It is almost time for me to take stock and see what I have done with the first half of my year. And I already know it isn’t nearly as much as I wanted to. I know it has been difficult to live our lives as we may have wanted. But let’s not give up. Let’s set new goals and put different activities on our bucket list. As this nation opens up and you are ready to get your spark back, just be safe. Stay well and whole. Much love 🧡💚