Yo, the people are asking to hear my voice… – Lin Manuel Miranda as Alexander Hamilton
I have tried to spare you from my sad stories. I have waited an additional 30+ days since my last post, just hoping that what I felt would clear up like the sky after a storm. Unfortunately, it hasn’t and now I have people a little worried about me. So I can’t wait any longer. Hell, maybe me writing it out is the cure. And here I am procrastinating. I don’t know.
Truth is I’m broken. I would like to blame it all on Covid but I can’t. I was feeling a little off before I contracted the virus. The virus just seal the deal. It feels like there is a wall up in my brain and everything I love and care about is on the other side of that wall. I know that those things are still there but I just can’t get to them.
I have driven miles down my favorite street, watched fireworks, sat along the water, witnessed sunrises, prayed during it all. Yet…my spark is gone. While I am suppose to be making the best of every day, I find myself just existing. Participating in my day to day life on autopilot. Smile, wave, good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Proper responses, just the right amount of attention but not completely present. Can anyone relate?
It is so much more that I could say but I struggle to put it into words. These feeling aren’t unfamiliar. I have felt a restless tension within myself for years. Unfulfilled with my place in life. I snap out of it though. I can usually find joy in the simple things. Gratitude for all that is. Maybe I’m just being ungrateful 😆. I don’t know and that is the problem. How do I fix me when I can’t figure out what is broken?
I’m okay, but I am not well and whole. But I hope you are. I hope whoever is reading this can’t relate. I don’t want this for you. I want the best for you. You deserve it. You are worthy. Much love 🧡💚