Last month, I was on a roll. I posted more blogs in the first two weeks than I did for 2 months last year. It was awesome! Then life happened, as it always will. I was presented with the study materials to get certification as a Chemical Dependency Counseling Assistant (CDCA) and a two week deadline. Well I did that! It did however take all my spare time after work which meant no blog posts. Then of course I was mentally exhausted, so still no blog posts. I’m back now.
Yesterday as I walked out of the apartment building with a garbage bag full of clothes, oversized purse filled to capacity and my faithful walking stick, I had a surprise. No I did not fall again. Lol. But I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t going to happen. I was struggling carrying myself, the bags and walking in the snow with ice underneath. I pictured myself laid out in the snow with my work clothes on 😂. Unharmed, of course. It would have been fun like back when I was a kid. Anyways, my neighbor, who rarely talks to me, offered to take my “garbage” to the dumpster for me. I informed her that it was clothes and thanked her for the offer. She got in her car and left for work as did I.
There was 2 things that I got out of that interaction. One, this made my whole day. I was so blown over by her kindness. When you stay in a multi-unit apartment building it can be pretty impersonal. Not much interaction with your neighbors beside “Hi” as you pass each other in the hallway. And it doesn’t help that I am anti-social. Lol. So for someone to think of me, it really brightened my day. Recently I had decided to start writing in my gratitude journal again. I definitely documented this encounter.
Two, I am not who I thought I was. Or I guess I am not consistently living as the person I want to be. As I said above, I am anti-social but I’m friendly. If I make eye contact with you I speak. Before mask and even with mask(though no one can see), I smile at people all the time. Yesterday I realized that I have been such a jerk. I never speak to my neighbor. Yes the same lady who offered to help me. I never speak. We usually leave out around the same time every work day and yet I will let her walk past and not say a word. Don’t throw up a friendly wave. Nothing.
To my credit, she doesn’t have a friendly countenance but I have never let that stop me before. That usually makes me want to win the person over even more. I be like, “I am going to make you speak to me” (in my head of course). Yes, I have issues. So why did I let that stop me this time. Why do I rarely speak to my neighbors, who are probably nice people? Why have I changed? When did I become a mirror for other people’s energy?
I don’t know. But I don’t fucking like it! As Maya Angelou says, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Well dammit I know better, I been knew better. I am disappointed in myself for being less than the best version of myself. “Always Do Your Best” is one of the Four Agreements and this year I really wanted to focus on making them a part of my every day life. So now, I have to do better and be consistent with it. No more excuses.
I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for awareness. I am grateful for the opportunity to mess things up and then God gives me another day to make it happen, the right way. I am grateful that you are still reading my blog after that brief hiatus. Be safe. Stay well and whole. Much Love 🧡💚
P.S. Punxsutawney Phil (what a terrible name), the groundhog, saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter, if you believe in that. Lol