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I do love driving, on the expressway that is, but today I would have loved to be a passenger. I just wanted to ride and enjoy the breeze and listen to the music. Didn’t happen though. I drove myself to my favorite spot. It is the day before they are having their hugely popular, free jazz festival. People are camped out with their tents set up. They came in RVs.

I have never attended the festival but I have heard that it is great. The first part that would make it great is that it’s free. Lol. Also, I have seen the line up and it seems like it will be entertaining. Last, but not least, it is on the water. What more could you ask for? One downside, portable potties. Ugh! I know they have made them pretty extravagant lately, but these are not 😂😂😂.

Unfortunately, I am not going to attend this year either. I have decided I need to make new friends. Some with one of these campers so that I can camp out and hide in one when the sun gets to be too much. It is forecasted to be in the 90s the next couple of days. Hot 🔥. Also, I am social awkward and not a fan of crowds. Here is some information for anyone who didn’t know about the jazz festival and is thinking about joining the fun.

I am currently having a love affair with a park. I don’t feel complete unless I go there at least once a week. I soak up the views and my hair soaks up the moisture in the air. Got a nice surprise when I looked in the mirror. My hair is pretty interesting right now. I people watched. I am fascinated by humans, even though I don’t like them very much. I watch their interactions with each other. Their mannerisms. I saw a hot guy with his Siberian husky which was even cuter than him. I watched a little girl chase after this ultra friendly groundhog as she screamed with delight. I took a picture of this lone duck.

Can’t recall the last time I’ve seen a duck all by itself. I felt a kinship with this singular animal. I wondered if it was lonely? I observed people setting up their chairs already for tomorrow’s festivities. I almost fell over walking back to my car because I was a little unstable walking up a hill. I wondered if anyone would have helped me up if I had fallen.

At this point I am back at my car. It’s dark and I have to go to the restroom, but I’ll be damned if I use one of those portable potties. Lol. As I leave the park I drive 15 mph because it is the speed limit, but also because I am fascinated by all of the campers and RVs populating the park. I make it to a Speedway that provided the mirror which allowed me to see the disaster which is my hair. I purchase a couple of lottery tickets and get back in the car to head home. I would really like to drive to Detroit because it is a great night. Then I think about the pain in the ass detour that I will have to take to get home and I turn left onto 75 south. No thanks. The sky is kind of clear and I can see a few stars sparkling in the sky. The sun is down but I can see the streaks of color right above the tree line. I am having a great drive. My music is on and car cruising at 75 mph.

At this point y’all are probably like so! I know it sounds mundane and unexciting. It may be that way for most people. For me, it was a perfect end to a day. I enjoyed the world that God created. I appreciated its beauty and serenity. I allowed my mind to relax and observed my surroundings. I even giggled at a car full of white boys hooting and hollering at me. I played peek-a-boo with the little girl in the car next to me. What makes you feel this way? Where is your place of peace? How long has it been since you went there? I hope it has been within the last week. Don’t push yourself to the point of burning out. Whatever it is that you need to restore your peace, make it a priority to do.

I am on this kick right now about self-love. Each day I realize how important it is for us to love ourselves. To make ourselves a priority. To not get lost or bogged down with matters that may or may not concern us. I know I am probably getting on y’all nerves with this, but I listened to a Quote of the Day show featuring Lisa Nichols that spoke to this. I loved it so much that I downloaded it. I have listened to it repeatedly. It is episode 326 titled, “The Greatest Love You Can Ever Give the World is a Demonstration of What Loving You Looks Like “. Check it out. With all matters in life, be well and whole. You own it to yourself. And no it is not selfish, it is preservation.

As I was listening to the Quote of the Day show by my future husband (lol) Sean Croxton, I had a huge epiphany. Like major! This show with guest speaker Dr. Joe Dispenza was titled “To Truly Change is to Think Greater than Your Environment”. The topic centered around changing our way of thinking. It was information that I had heard before, but for some reason that day it struck a chord with me.

I realized that I do not have a clear picture of my future and expectations for my life because multiple sclerosis(MS) is such an unpredictable condition. I don’t know what my life will be like from one day to the next much less 2, 5, 10 years from now. And I realize no one really does. Everyone’s life is subject to change in the blink of an eye in a good way or a bad way. But knowing that you have a disease that will most certainly change you year after year puts a little more of a damper on future prospects. I used to love to go for walks in the park and listen to my music. Now I sit on benches in the park and listen to my music. Definitely didn’t foresee that in my future. Yes I am still mobile, Thank God, but I am unable to walk for long distances. So how can I envision my life walking along trails in the park with my significant other? I usually envision the point where he is going to have to give me a piggyback ride because my legs have decided to stop supporting me. Not very romantic.

I am really narrowing this down with the comment I just made, but seriously I am stalled in my present. I know the things that I want for my life, my future, but I can’t envision them clearly. How do you manifest into your life a blurry picture? This has been occupying my mind. I am sure there is a way around it. My friend’s/coworker’s advice was to look at my abilities and capabilities that I have right now and use them in my future envisioning. Not to worry about getting worse. Yes my coworkers are my sounding board. They get everything first. Lol. Then I had another epiphany. I am still living in the past. I have not come to terms with my limitations. I still want to go back to the other Ebony. The healthier Ebony. I still have most of my high heels even though I haven’t worn them in years. I can’t let go! What the hell is wrong with me? At this point, I feel like I might need a MS support group. Lol. I am just a little too antisocial for that, but maybe one day.

I am telling you, you do not want to dig deep in this mind. It is seriously convoluted. Lol. I have to accept my present to move into my future. I cannot live in the past any longer. God blesses me with the ability to walk, work and take care of myself. Yes, occasionally I do need help, but who doesn’t sometimes. I am truly thankful for who I am right now. I really love this Ebony. So I am a little lost as to why I haven’t fully accepted myself. Either way, this preoccupation with previous versions of myself has to end. That Quote of the Day show was just what I needed. It came at just the right time. My mind and my heart was open to receive that message. Seriously, if you haven’t checked it out yet, please do. It is a gem. The website again is www.seancroxton.com.

So with my newfound understanding and desire to make changes so that I can be better, I embark on a new mission. I want to create crystal clear visions and be ready to adjust them with any new changes or developments that may arise. Are you clear about where you want to go? Have you written down your expectations and set goals to get there? If not, what’s holding you back? This may be the time for some self-evaluation. I want to be well and whole. And I also want you to be well and whole. Don’t forget, the world needs you.

This is not exactly how I thought 40 was going to go. Not even close. I am not sure if I can put into words my expectations of this year versus the reality. I can say I thought there would be more trips. Haven’t went on one yet. More dates with friends or men. A couple of friend dates, no men dates at all. More blog posts. Y’all can see how that is going so far. Just more from the last couple of years. I had a great feeling about 40. Not so much now. I don’t have a bad feeling, but it is no longer great. Right now I’m sure people are thinking, why are you not doing anything to make it great? I’ve tried. Most of my plans have been interrupted by unforeseen circumstances or cancellations. The things that I want to do I can, but I don’t want to do by myself. Or just being tired as hell. You know, life. I am usually not one to let things get me down and keep me there. I bounce back quickly. It is weird to feel a chip on my shoulder two days in a row. And other people are noticing it 😨. Not good. So I am sitting here brainstorming ways to get out of this funk.

I know one thing I need is more restful sleep. Lately I having been having dreams about doing the most mundane tasks. I usually have extremely crazy dreams like something out of a twisted horror movie. Honestly, I prefer the crazy ones over the ones where I am cleaning up spills off a floor. Who the hell wants to do that in a dream? Or wash dishes? Or answer phones? The real problem is that it takes me longer to realize it is a dream. I find myself having cleaned half the house before I realize it’s a dream. When they are crazy dreams, since it is so unrealistic, I can pull myself out of them as soon as they go left. Needless to say, I’m not sleeping well. Not sure if over the counter sleep aids work, but at this point it seems like it is worth a try.

Meditation is also an option. I have been interested in meditation for a while. I have even tried it a few times. I cannot keep my mind from wandering. What the hell? I mean not even for a full minute. I think I should invest in some books or some form of research that will help me get past my unfocused mind. Or even yoga. Now I am a little leery about yoga due to my balance issues. The last thing I need is to fall. But I guess chair yoga is an option. Any classes in Toledo that would be later in the day? Most yoga classes are too early in the damn morning, lol, or right in the middle of the day.

As I am reading this back, these seem like some poor ass excuses. Now I have to figure out if this is true. Now I also feel the need to read books about focus, motivation and perseverance. Does anyone else’s mind work like this? I am truly all over the place today and just like this most days. Can y’all imagine my posts if I didn’t take the time to sort through my thoughts? I think people would have a hard time following along. I’m sure there are a few crazies like me that would follow along though. I guess what I am trying to say is I am without direction and unfocused. Unbalanced in my current life. I have been thrown off and I am not sure how to get back on track. I am sure this period of uncertainty will work itself out. It is just no fun going through it right now. If I am in any way mean to you, please don’t take it personal. It is definitely me, not you. Unless you are one of those people who always gets on my nerves, then it’s you. Lol.

As I find my way back to a balanced life, I say to you, be well and whole.