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Now when people talk about their birthdays, they call it chapters. I’m sorry but all that happens in a year of my life could never be reduce to just a chapter. My year reads like a book with 12 different chapters for each month. Some months could even produce an additional chapter. This past year it seemed as if I was not writing an autobiography. It felt like someone else was writing my story. More like a biography or just plain out fiction. I found myself at my defintion of rock bottom. Starting over when I used to think that by this age I would have it all figured out. I am not even close to having it figured out. So many downs and more downs. Lol. I am ready for the ups. With God’s blessings and guidance, Book 42 will be the best book ever written so far in my life.

I have lived a pretty restricted life up to this point. Prided myself on being the good girl. The one that did what was perceived as the right thing. Listened to my mother, more than she thinks. Allowed the things that I learned growing up to dictate how I interacted with the world and people around me. Lived by philosophies that were not my own. I have started to read and listen to different individuals that have their shit together. Now I found out I was doing it mostly wrong. All this damn time, I have been doing this shit wrong. Grrrrrr!!! Now this is not to say all of the teachings were wrong. I know that even as I evolve into who I am meant to be, there are teachings that I will hold onto. They are truly beneficial to me. But there is a great many that do not serve me well. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance. What this means is that my beliefs are not lining up with my actions. I am uncomfortable. Somehow I have to change my beliefs so that my actions make sense. I want better and different. My beliefs are trying to hold me back. Not anymore.

I want to do the things that I think of no matter how crazy they may seem. I want to put all my walls down and let people in. And even when a few of those people hurt me, I want to keep my walls down. I want to lean on the right people to help me through the rough patches. I want to say what I think and feel even if I may get rejected. I want to fall in love. And as one of the characters in a romance novel I just read said, “I want to be known”. How fucking powerful is that? He also said, “I want to know you”. Even more so powerful. I want to be known and accepted. And I want to return that same respect to the man who has my heart. So I have been told, it’s never too late. Well, book 42 ought to be interesting 😉.

Starting Chapter 1, Book 42. As I close the last chapter in Book 41, I can say I am humbled. God has kept me. I am grateful. It could have been worse. I am determined. It also could have been better. I am different. You don’t go through things and come out the same way. I am evolving. I know there is more to me and I want to meet her. I am taking it one day at a time. I am expecting. And not just little things, I am expecting big miracles and success. I am accepting. I know that it will not all go my way. But I am realizing. And this will allow me to regroup and continue to push forward. I am open. How else is love going to find me? I am believing. God has the power and I know He wants what is best for me. I am manifesting. I will use my mind to attract what I want and need. I am blessed. I am a child of God and He loves me.

Happy Birthday to me! To my loyal and faithfully readers, be well and whole. Love you all ❤.

Let’s start with a quick update. I am doing alright. I am finally rid of the lingering side effects from the treatment. I am back to myself, good and bad. I had an appointment with my neurologist a couple of weeks ago and it was informative. The last MRI I had showed an increase in lesions on my spine. This would explain why my walking has gotten worse. At this time his recommendation is to continue on the current medication. And since I like walking, I will. Lol. Thank you everyone for your prayers and concerns. It is always appreciated and welcomed. This post should have been called random thoughts because I am all over the place. These are thoughts I had when I was out watching the sunrise. It is so peaceful and beautiful.

I seem to only write on the weekend which is normal for me but weird. It is the time when my mind is free of most other thoughts. I used to struggle on the weekends as well because I would take work home with me. Not physically but definitely mentally. Now, when I walk out of the door on Friday, my mind is clear. I get annoyed when people ask me about what happened last week. Hell I don’t know and I don’t want to. The rummaging through my brain for that tidbit of information is not on my list of things to do. This is a new week and I want to approach it as such. I digress. I spent the weekend working on one of the books I am writing(seriously). And I even finished my birthday blog. Yes, I know it is a week away, but it was flowing out of me so why not write.

I write notes all the time. I’ll be at work and a thought will come to mind. I will hurry up to write it down before I forget. If I don’t, that thought will be blowing away in the wind. Then I expand on that thought at a later date or time. Most times, it is a much later date 😬. I would love to have a thought and be able to write it out in its entirety when I am having it. I would probably post more often. When I have to pick up on the thought later, it does make it difficult to pull out what I wanted to say. I really think about great writing material when I am driving. Literally the best. Well the problem is I’m driving. Lol. I have tried to do the talk to text, not a fan. When I go back and read it I have a hard time trying to figure out what the hell I was saying. All types of wrong words based on what the phone thought it heard 😂. People recommend setting aside time to write. I get it but I don’t always think about things to write when I am focused on writing. I am easily distracted. Smh.

Some mornings, hell some days I just don’t feel like talking to people. I just want to be in my world, with my thoughts and no interruptions. The energy that it takes to interact with others is just too much. I wear headphones a lot. Not the in-ear ones but the go over your head ones. You would think that if people see this they wouldn’t talk to me right? Yeah, not so much. I like my sunrise location but sometimes I don’t want to talk to the people. They are friendly. So am I. But some mornings I wish I had tinted windows. Lol.

Now this is probably going to offend some people, but I don’t care, I don’t care. Smokers ruin everything. Everytime I’m out just wanting to enjoy the fresh air and nature, somebody has to come into the space I’m occupying smoking their funky ass cigarettes. I am extremely sensitive to the smell of cigarette smoke. I hate it!!!! Then the person is usually a damn chain smoker. Which means I have to leave my peaceful environment because I can’t tolerate it. I am saying this because as I am typing there is a lady out here smoking. Oddly, she isn’t that close but the wind is blowing it my way 😠.

Just some thoughts as I sit out here basking in God’s creation. Studying bird behavior and taking way too many pictures. Marveling at every little tick of the sun as it rises up and break through the clouds. It takes between 4 and 1/2 to 5 minutes for the sun to fully became visible. I recorded it. I know I need a life. Lol. These moments are so precious. I am glad that I take this time out for myself. It adds to my happiness.

In exactly one week I will be 42. Wow!!! I haven’t officially decided what I am going to do. I know drinking and eating is going to be involved. And time spent with my closest, dearest friends. All that sounds fabulous to me. I am not doing a road trip this year 🙁. I just moved and that tied up my money. I am not even sure if I will be able to buy my own present. Lol. I want a goPro. I want to record some of my excursions. I guess I can wait until my next birthday. That way I will have my road trip planned out and have something to record. Hope you all have a marvelous day. As always, be well and whole.

I’ve been writing and not writing. I’ve been experiencing and just existing. I have been sick and sicker. I’ve been living this life which is mine but is truly not the greatest. I always say that I have no known enemies, but I have one. It’s multiple sclerosis(MS). This shit is a true enemy and it is trying to kill, steal and destroy. It is trying to kill my livelihood, steal my peace and destroy my body. And this weekend, it is succeeding just a little. Not a lot. Feeling a little defeated, exhausted and beat up. I know I don’t talk about MS much but today, let’s talk about it. This is not a pity party. This is the realities of living day to day with an autoimmune disease. This is my reality. I don’t expect anyone to understand. Just be with me in this moment, if you can. If not, I get it. I don’t want to be in this moment. Lol.

So pretty much ever since my car was broken into, I have been struggling more than normal. My episodes/relapses/exacerbations are triggered by stress. That incident caused stress on top of stress. I adjust. I don’t think I have a choice, I mean do I? The way I walk, the way I conserve energy, all my movements and actions adjust to make it through the day successfully. I don’t allow the differences of actions to determine what I can and cannot do. Now my coworkers notice every fucking thing. It is like they have a microscope on me. It got to a point that they were going to call the doctor themselves to say that I was in a relapse. Or worse, my mom. Lol. I finally caved in and called my neurologist. He arranged for me to have a three day steroid infusion. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. I dislike them immensely.

To break it down. I have a set appointment at an infusion center. The treatment involves a corticosteroid drip that takes about an hour to complete. I have to get poked each day with an infusion needle because I work in an office and it is more of a pain in the ass to leave it in for the three days. The treatment leaves a metallic taste in your mouth that is suppose to go away after a couple of hours. This treatment, not so much. This treatment literally has been the worse ever!!! Based on this treatment alone, I will not have another one unless I can’t walk, see or function in anyway that resembles my normal.

We tend to think that the medications that we are given is more of a help than a hindrance. Yes they all have their side effects. That is to be expected. But this right here is unexpected for me. I have had severely swollen ankles and legs since Thursday. Limited feeling in my feet since they are so swollen. I am actually walking worse than before the treatment. Brain fog and my food taste weird or no taste. My face is swollen as well but not as obvious as my legs. I feel like the Michelin man. I generally feel like shit. But guess what today is? It’s Sunday. So tomorrow is Monday. And that would be a work day. I am going to be at work bright and early at 8 am. This is my reality of living with MS.

I don’t want sympathy or pity, or any other emotion that is not uplifting. I’m just saying. Selma Blair, who was also diagnosed with MS, chronicles her journey with MS regularly. I know she does it because she has a bigger platform and can bring true awareness to this disease. I respect her willingness to share and enlighten. I, on the hand, just don’t like talking about it. I feel like what is it going to change. I am still going to have MS. I am still going to go through this life the way that I am destined to live it. I don’t know why I am even sharing today. Lol. I guess because it is different. It is a path that I have never been down before. It is kinda throwing me off.

The next few days I am just praying to get back to my normal. My ankles looking like ankles. My body moving in a way that I feel I have a small amount of control over. My brain being able to process all that is coming at it. Me being me. And if you would like to add your prayers, I will gladly accept and appreciate them. I hope that if you have been taking your health for granted and not doing what you are supposed to be doing, that this also gives you a kick in the ass. I have limited choices where my health is concerned. If your choices are your own, make the right ones. I ask sincerely for each and everyone of you to be well and whole. It matters. Love you all ❤!