Category: Uncategorized

So one thing that they asked at the MS support group was, “Name a good thing that happen to you this week?” Last week I struggled. I couldnt think of one single solitary thing. Like for real. When it got to me the only thing I could say was being at the meeting. By the end of the week, that was still the best thing that happened to me. Sad, I know. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to find the good in the events of the week.

Well on Sunday, the start of a brand new week, one good thing had already happened. Yay! I was out bright and early as I do most weekends, bird watching and experiencing the sunrise. I usually park right on the street because it gives me the best view of the water without getting out of the car in this cold weather. I also sit on the passenger seat because it has the best view for picture taking. I notice this truck that passed by me because it rocked my car a little. Lol. Next thing I know the same truck is on the side of me. Now I just assumed they either think that they know me or need directions. Wrong on both accounts. They are in fact checking on me to make sure I was okay. The mom said when the son seen me move in the car he said, “Thank God.” Yeah I almost cried. That simple act has set my week off on a good note. I just had to share.

As a whole 2019 has completely sucked. Like the worse year! And I am not exaggerating. A friend said to me that instead of exchanging gifts for Christmas let’s create a memory. A couple friends going out for food, drinks and laughs beats a gift any day. But just that simple suggestion made me reevaluate how I plan on leaving this year behind. I feel like I have dwelled too much on this year as a whole when really I should be focusing on the moments, the memories and the experiences.

It amazes me the impact that I have had on people throughout my life. I wish that I could say all the memories that people have of me are positive ones but that would be delusional. Lol. I look back at the different variations of me that I have been in my lifetime and I know that some of them have been pretty rough. When I was mad, everyone knew it. When I felt I was right, I would argue you into the ground. I spoke the truth in mean and hurtful ways. Then there are other versions of me. Mellow and slow to anger. The me who doesn’t care to argue about who is right or wrong, even though I know I am right. Lmao. All these versions have given and received good and bad moments. My goal is to focus on the good.

So as we near a new year and decade in our lives, what are you remembering? Are the good moments and memories at the forefront or have the bad memories taken over? I know that I have allowed the bad ones to rule my life these past 3 – 4 months. So the next few days I am going to write out all the wonderful things that have happen this year. I am going to celebrate the life goals that I have crossed off my bucket list. I am going to reminisce on the good times, the laughs and all the times I have stepped out of my comfort zone. I am going to live this year all over again but in a good way. Lol.

I know I am not the only person that has had a rough year. Everyone I know and love has had some serious trials and tribulations. I mean no one has been left untouched by life’s cruel hands. Just know that you all are in my prayers. Look up and focus on the good moments, memories and experiences to keep your head up. I know it can be hard to see them when life is steadily slamming you down with each new wave. But they are there and they will put a smile on your face by just thinking about them. In these uncertain and turbulent times, be well and whole. God loves you and so do I.

MERRY CHRISTMAS🎄🎁❗

You know how they say, ‘If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Well that is why I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I seriously have nothing nice to say. I am living by the famous words of Chalupa, my niece. “I don’t care. I don’t care about anything but myself. I am just trying to survive.” She is 6 years old and has a cold. Pretty sure she is going to survive. And so will I. But I have way more going on than a cold.

You know how you go through some pretty terrible shit and think you have came out on the other side of it. And you are like “Yes, it’s over”. Then one day, not long after the last event, something else terrible happens. And you realize that the terrible shit is far from over. I thought Book 41 was done. Written and published. Now I have to edit it to include an epilogue and that is the first two chapters of Book 42. Smh. Yep, just yep.

I know that our lives don’t just miraculously change because we want it to or overnight. Things happen. I get it. But I am also tired of it. Like really what the hell? One month and a few days has passed since I turned 42. I have been so optimistic about the whole thing. Then, I got punched in the gut. This past week has just delivered me a black eye.

Yes, a nice crack in the windshield of the rental car. The last thing I needed. So I am not handling life well right now. I am not saying these things for sympathy, empathy, pity or signifying that I need or want help. I am saying them because they are new to me and I am amazed that I have been in this place for so long. And I realize that some people live like this each and every day and don’t come out of it. How they must feel!?!?! How do they see the world? Will they ever come out of it? Do they make a goal to get out of this rut that seems at times hopeless? I need to talk to someone. I need to know how to move on from this. I also need to know why people give up and don’t move on. I would love to talk to someone once I am out of this rut. To encourage ours that it is not hopeless and one day all this shit will be in your rearview. But first, I need to make it to the other side. I need to be on solid ground. Build a stable foundation. Then I could reach out to others who are were I have been. To give my testimony.

Book 42 is going to be missing a few chapters. I refuse to include these last couple of months in my new book. This book was for life changing, groundbreaking events. Financial abundance and love. All the good shit. I am rejecting all other things that don’t align with the way I want my life to go. If any more chapters act like they belong in Book 41, they can kiss my grits. Lol. I was in my car Saturday watching the sunrise and working on this post and this song came on the radio.

Watch “for KING & COUNTRY – burn the ships (Official Music Video)” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/pOVrOuKVBuY

I had heard it before but I guess I wasn’t tuned in to what it was saying. Yesterday morning it was meant for me to truly hear the words. I had a moment in the car. This song spoke to me and I am ready for the day that I burn the ships. I know I am not the only person in this situation. Other’s issues are maybe the same as mine or different. But we all have them. If you are in a bad place right now, please don’t give up.

Each new day brings an opportunity for the burdens to be lifted. For the blessings to pour. I know it seems hopeless at times but I know that God has you and I. We just have to hold on and keep having faith. I know I may not be of any use right now but I am still available as a listening ear. Feel free to email me or leave a comment below. Please don’t give up and be well and whole. Love you all.

I am always and I mean always saying something out of place. I can’t remember exactly how I was when I was younger. I am sure I was the same way, but now in my life, smh. I would describe myself as socially awkward. My good friend Monica said it is more of a lack of filter. Now I can admit that my filter slips. Like I said I’m an 80/20, with 80 being the times the filter is in place. So I’m not sure if that fits me in particular. I am leaning toward socially awkward because I struggle in the real world. Lol. Oh let me count the ways.

For one, I suck at small talk. After the greetings, I’ll just stand there. Like what the hell am I suppose to say? I don’t want to talk about the weather or any damn thing else that doesn’t really matter. News 👎🏾. Hell I can’t give you any more examples because I just don’t partake in it. Unless the other person continues to ask me questions, then I respond and may repeat back the same questions 🤦🏾. I would be prone to ask something serious or none of my business. The awkward part comes in even more when I do that. Half the time I don’t even realize I overstepped. My inefficiency to hold small talk works against me on dating websites as well. He says hi or something else stupid, I say hi. He asks a question. I never respond. Once again what do you say?

Second, I am direct and blunt. Not many sweet words from me. I say it directly in an effort to eliminate misunderstandings. I dislike misunderstandings. I want you to know exactly what I meant. Now with that being said. Sometimes people get it, sometimes they don’t. Unless they are really close to me, either way it goes, they are probably offended. I even offend the people close to me. I try really hard to find ways to say it nicely. Usually, I just say fuck it and just say it the way I’m thinking it. Or I don’t say it at all. Not sure which one is worse.

Third, I stare. Like in an uncomfortable way. Even though I really don’t like people, they fascinate me. I am always trying to figure out why they did something. How they interact with others. It’s interesting. Most times this leads me to stare because I am watching so intently. If you see me looking at you in this way, don’t be offended. I am fascinated by you. This is a good thing. Take my word for it. Lol

Fourth, I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. Occasionally I will pick up on it without someone having to point it out, but most times I’m oblivious. I am the type of person that would just want to say, “Im interested in you. What’s up?” Yes, I know it doesn’t work that way, but why not!?!?! I don’t want to work that hard with the flirting. I look, he looks. We make eye contact. I hold it for a second and then look away. Or I look, he looks. I give a smile and then look away. This is actually probably the worst flirting technique. I smile all the fucking time. Guys are always going to think I’m flirting when in reality, I’m just being friendly 😩. Now how do I get myself out of it when he comes to talk to me and I am totally not interested in him? Somebody, anybody? The linger look is just as bad. Remember I said I stare. I was watching you not flirting, go away. Lol

Fifth, I talk to myself. Yes all the time, about everything. I am talking right now as I am writing this 😂😂😂. It used to be a stigma to talk to yourself. Actually, I’m pretty sure it still is because people always ask who am I talking to. My usual response is whoever is listening. But I’m really just talking to myself.

Sixth, like I said in the post “Today’s Reflections”, I wear headphones a lot. Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, walking around my apartment, on lunch at work, doing yard work, at the library, etc. You name it, I probably have headphones on. I wore them in the tub the other day. Lol. Yes, I know that it is weird. I don’t care. I didn’t want to get my phone wet. Like I said before it is not always effective at stopping people from talking to me, they don’t care. However, headphones are effective for listening to music. I love music. I feel like it makes anything that I have to do in life better.

I am pretty sure I could come up with more examples to solidify my social awkwardness but I think I proved it at this point. This does not negate the issues I have with my filter. But I feel like I have that mostly under control. Well except for last week. I may label that as a socially awkward moment. I am sure there is people that would disagree with me in regards to my filter. People being my friends. But I am not suppose to have a filter with them. They are the people that I can truly be myself with.

Well I think I am going to stop talking before I scare everyone off. Lol. Embrace your quirks and continue to be well and whole.