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I have been laid low. I mean really fucked up! I contracted the stomach flu from my coworker about a week ago. Life has not been the same. Here it is a Sunday, a week and a day from when I had my first symptoms and I am still experiencing brain fog. Smh. Which just makes it worse. Lol. It does not help that I have MS. The MS is aggravated by the flu which causes me to have what they call pseudoexacerbations. Long word that means it feels like I am having a flare up. Last Sunday morning, I could barely walk. So I am aware that my brain fog is a combination of flu and MS. It doesn’t make it easier to deal with though.

So I have another post that I was going to publish last week because I had finally decided what year this is. I was going to finish it up and post on Sunday. Didn’t happen. I still plan on posting it because it is a good one, but maybe in a couple of days. Still needs a little tweaking. This post is just an update of my year so far. It has been a little interesting but nothing major.

I like Christian music and if I listen to the radio, which is rare, I listen to K-Love. K-Love is a Christian radio station where I learn all of the new hits. They have this 30 Day Challenge of only listening to Christian/Gospel music. This would be implemented in your car or residence. We can’t control everyone’s radio. Lol. I decided to try it for the whole month of January. One day at the beginning of the month I spent a couple hours listening to secular music other than that I have been doing good. But the last 2 days have been a struggle. I love all music. When I went on K-Love’s Instagram page people were saying that they did the challenge and never looked back. Uh…not a chance in hell. I like the messages that come from Christian music but not enough to forsake all other music. My playlist is usually a mixture of all kinds of music. Some gospel, Christian, jazz, R-n-B, rap (not a lot), pop and anything else that I am feeling at that time. So suffice it to say, though I voluntarily took on this 30 day challenge, I can’t wait until it is over.

I have a few projects that I envisioned last year but really didn’t know how to get them going. Didn’t have the resources. And last year just sucked, so there! Anyways, I knew that I couldn’t let them fall by the wayside. God provided me with these ideas and I want to see them come to fruition. My coworker was showing pictures of the artwork her daughter had painted on her bedroom door and walls. They were beautiful. And ding, the light bulb came on! I can’t draw at all. Yes, I have tried. When I first came up with some of my ideas, I tried to draw them out. It was laughable and I laughed and so did the friend that I showed. Lol. I had prayed to God to send me someone who can draw and put these visions down on paper. He came through!!! And pretty quick too. Now the young lady has not agreed yet, but I am feeling like this is it.

Romans 4:17 …before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead and calleth those things which be not as though they were. I got this scripture from Dr. Wayne Dyer on the You Can Heal Your Life podcast. In the Manifest Your Soul’s Purpose series Part 1, Dr. Dyer was discussing how to bring forth the things that we want and to stop getting more of what we don’t want. Dr. Dyer said be careful of the thoughts you put into your head before you go to bed. That your mind cannot tell the difference and the subconscious will manifest these negative or positive thoughts into your life upon waking. This was so powerful to me. I have never really paid attention to what I think about before bed but I am sure most of it revolves around my fuck ups for that day. I have started to write out 3 gratitudes for each day, skipping the week I was sick. This isn’t enough though. Since listening to that podcast episode, I have thought about the things that I want to manifest in my life and reflected on them before falling asleep. I calleth those things which be not as though they were.

I truly enjoy listening to podcasts. They give me just the right amount of information. For some odd reason, I don’t do well with sitting still and paying attention for long periods of time. Lol. Either I will doze off or I will zone out and think about something else. I have one more day off work in honoring the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I am hoping that once this 3 day weekend is over I will be 100% healed. This is something I will definitely included in my bed time manifestations. I know this post kind of rambled on but I hope that you are able to get something out of it. I now know this is the flu season. I am hoping that no one has an experience like mine. As they say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.” Please everyone, be well and whole.

Last year I believed I called it the Year of Me. I think that was a very bad decision because I went into the year with responsibilities that would not have allowed me to focus solely on myself. So even though I went in with good intentions, they were unrealistic. I had thought about it and I was going to dub 2020 as the Year of No. But after much thought, I realized that it is so much deeper than that. I had actually completed a whole post addressing this new year with that title. I still want to incorporate what I was talking about in that post at some point but I will wait until I have it figured out and covering everything. So at this time I don’t have a catchphrase for this new year. Lol. I’ll think of something.

I had not really been listening to any motivational speeches. When I would hear them, my attitude was like whatever 🙄. Just recently, I have been listening to a few different speeches on my future husband, Sean Croxton’s podcast called The Quote of the Day Show at seancroxton.com. I have spoke about this podcast before and I still recommend it. These snippets have helped to start getting me in the right frame of mind. As you all know I was in the wrong frame of mind for all of November and a good portion of December. It was to the point that my friends were texting me outside of the group chat asking me was I okay because I wasn’t contributing. And talking is my thing. Lol. This year is definitely going to have something to do with mindset. I want to go back to being open to possibilities. Even when it seems impossible. A few of the speakers from the podcast touched on the topic of writing down what it is we want to do, be and accomplish in our lives. Stating that the last thing we should worry about is the How. The How will come when we set our total focus on what we want.

Now I am not falling all into this concept. I am struggling to get past this particular part. I had written out a few things on my do, be and accomplish list but I found myself constantly worrying about the How. Mindset! I had a major epiphany one day as I was riding in the car. I always talk to God when I am driving. I say “I don’t know” to God a lot. I had been saying it the majority of 2019. Well this one time I said I don’t know and I immediately checked myself. Why are you saying you don’t know? Why? My answer was, “It is not that I don’t know, it is that I don’t believe.” Listen…when I tell you that revelation was mind boggling. And I got upset. All this time I have been walking around as if I don’t know what I want and wondering why the things that I do know that I want aren’t happening. It was so simple. So fucking simple. Ughhhh!

I wish I can say that after that I was cool. I started believing without any doubts. That I had a total mindset shift. Not at all. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to convert. I was just thinking this morning that I really need to see a psychologist. I felt this way last year as well. I looked up a few but never followed through. I need to make it happen. I am hoping that a few sessions will help me breakthrough my limiting beliefs. Now I may be being a little unrealistic about the time frame in which this can be accomplished. I am going to go in there like Dr. Brene Brown and let her know “no childhood bullshit” 😂😂😂. I don’t even remember half my childhood so let’s leave that shit in the past. Digging it up and rehashing it isn’t going to help anything. I know most of my issues happened in my adulthood.

I may have gotten a little off course. Maybe not. Lol. The point of it all is that I need to work on me. I am not making any health declarations. I am not setting unrealistic goals that I know I cannot maintain or accomplish. I am looking at myself and saying that I don’t want to go another year with unfulfilled dreams and goals. I don’t want to spend another year with a limited mindset. I don’t want to be anti-social. I do want to see my dreams and goals manifested in my life. I want to truly believe and embrace that anything is possible even if I don’t know how it will all come together. I want to network and make new connections and acquaintances. I want to break down these walls that I thought I put in place to protect me but in reality they have separated me from others. This is sounding like it might be the Year of Me again. Lol. But like I said it is hard to describe. Once I figure it out I will definitely share.

I hope at this point everyone has written out a few goals that they would like to accomplish in 2020. If you are still unsure that is okay as well. We have to operate on our own timetable. We cannot let other’s perceptions of who and what we should be in life have an effect us. God is in control. And really it is always on His timetable. I pray that all of your goals big and small are realized by the end of this year. I am asking God to bless you, to shine His Grace, Favor and Mercy upon you. To provide you with His strength when you feel as if you cannot go on. And I am asking you to truly live, to be well and whole and push past limiting beliefs. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

So Saturday I locked myself out of my apartment building for the first time. I was hoping to never do that but there I was early as fuck in the morning standing outside ringing random buzzers hoping one of my neighbors would let me in 🤣🤣🤣. God, why???? I started with the young guy I met Friday when he was moving in. No luck there. Then I realized that the person above me is always up walking around because I can hear them. I don’t sleep well and apparently they don’t either. Bingo baby, buzzzzz and I am in. Now what I didn’t say is I put the tea kettle on before I ran to put the laundry in my car. At this point I know it is whistling loud as hell. Lol. Probably why my neighbor let me in. When I got in, it was screaming at the top of its lungs, if it had lungs. I know everyone was relieved. Hahahaha. I am so awkward. Just thought I would share.

I signed up to receive emails from this young lady named Marie Forleo. She is a motivational/self-help guru. She has a program called B-school to help people make their businesses successful, a book called Everything is Figureoutable, a show called Marie TV and a podcast. I am slightly jealous. Except I am just not that personable or energetic and I don’t feel like faking it. Lol. In one of the emails I received from Marie, it contained a 3 part series called Decade in Review. I seen it and ignored it. Then I realized maybe this would be good for me. So I watched the video for part one. I wrote down the questions while I was at the laundromat. I went and sat on the water to work on answering the questions from part 1. I stalled out on question number 1. The question is, “Over the past 10 years, what are you proud of?” Yeah I wrote down about 4 things and I just couldn’t think of anything else. I wish it was only because I just couldn’t remember back that far. That is not the only reason.

I believe the main reason is because I haven’t done anything. I have just wasted 10 years of my life, from 32 to 42, not doing anything of real importance. Leaving me with less than 5 things to be proud of that I can rattled off easily. What the hell is wrong with me???? Or I guess I should say what the hell was wrong with me? Not because I have done anything of importance since this discovery but because I realize that I cannot in any way, shape or form allow another 10 years, hell another year to pass without changing this. I have been sitting on so many ideas over these past few years that I just never even worked on in any way. Ideas I would have been proud to write down if they had came to fruition. Even if they didn’t work out I could have been proud of at least trying. Smh. Yet I don’t have shit to show for these last 10 years. A few things but not nearly enough.

I have been pretty much lost as to how I was going to approach 2020. I feel as if I don’t set my intentions for this year to come that I will be blown in whatever direction life takes me. Then to get stumped on the first question of the assignment let’s me know that it is imperative that I get it together and set some goals. To have a game plan and ways to execute it. To be aware of all the things I did wrong over the past 10 years and not repeat any of those actions. I am not going to beat myself up. What’s done is done. My friend said his goal is accountability. I guess that is what I am realizing right now. I am taking accountability for my past transgressions against myself and releasing the shame, guilt, frustration and anger. Shit happens, I just have to stop stepping in it. Lol.

So here we are on New Year’s Eve, all hyped up about what the new year will bring. What possibilities lies ahead of us. What are we going to be, what are we going to do? To you I say, do things that make you proud of yourself. Do the things that you have always wanted to do but for some reason…you just didn’t. Do things that make you feel good. It is so important that we as human beings utilize our God given freewill. If you haven’t set your goals for the new year, you still have time. We have a few more hours. And if you still don’t know, make it a point to not let this new year/decade take you places you don’t want to go. Get intentional about this life.

I want the best for everyone. I want everyone to succeed at whatever it is that they want in life. I want each and every one of you to leave 2019 well and whole and to start 2020 off with a sense of peacefulness. Peace with who you have been and what has happened. No matter what you did or did not do over the past 10 years, be proud of yourself. You made it!!! You have kept going despite the difficulties. You are strong, you are powerful beyond even your own realization, you are resilient and you are loved. I love you all.

To my loyal and faithful readers, Thank You. Thank you for continuing to support me all of 2019 even through my midlife crisis. Thank you for subscribing to all my craziness. Thank you for your encouraging words and messages. You don’t know how much it means to me. And I am not good at expressing it because I am emotional stunted. Lol. Seriously, I write for myself but I am happy to know that people connect with me, my words and my stories. You make my heart full.

Here is the link to Marie Forleo’s Decade in Review if you are interested.

Don’t Create A 10-Year Plan Without Doing This Decade In Review

https://www.marieforleo.com/2019/12/decade-in-review-10-year-plan