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Marching Into A New Day

February has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I wish that I could say that I rocked it out this month and everything went well. I didn’t and it didn’t. The good thing is I am not discouraged or negative about the results. I am aware that sometimes things don’t go as planned and we need to readjusted and continue to pursue our goals. That is where I am on this first day of March. I will narrow down what goals I can accomplish this month and make it happen. I believe that I can still achieve them all by the end of the year. And that is what is most important.

I usually have a terrible time committing to anything on Netflix. My life fear of commitment to relationships transfers over to my Netflix and chill streaming relationship. Or Hulu and chill. I just don’t want to be two episodes in and decide I don’t like the show. Now I have just wasted 2 hours of my life. So it is a surprise that I am almost done with a show. My friend told me about this new dating show called Love Is Blind on Netflix. There is a male side and a female side. They go into these little rooms called pods with a piece of colored glass separating them. They cannot see each other at all. Based on the emotional connections that they make with each other the man proposes, or the woman if you like, to the person on the other side. Now they still have not seen each other. Once the proposal has been made they do this big reveal. The couples then go on a vacation together, move in and ultimately have a wedding. All in about 40 days or so. Very interesting concept.

If I had been approached about this, I would have said yes. I am so shallow! I don’t think that looks are everything but I believe they do play too big of a part in an attraction for me. If I am not immediately attracted to a man, there is a slim chance that he will grow on me with his personality and great qualities. I have already friend zoned him in my mind. I know that is terrible. I have tried dating websites and I swipe left on looks even without reading their profile. Now in my defense, if a man is attractive and he doesn’t believe in God, I am swiping left on him as well. My man doesn’t have to look like a Brad Pitt or Idris Elba, but I do need to find him attractive. But maybe if I was presented with a great personality, funny, open and considerate man without seeing him first, I would be okay. Wonder if they are going to have a season 2?

March is Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Awareness month. Besides this post, all other post will be dedicated to MS. There are new things going on and I would like to share it with you all. If you know me, I am not a sad person even though I have MS but I do speak my truth. I will tell you if all is not well. Nothing I say in relation to MS is to get pity or sympathy. It is just to inform. I didn’t truly know what Multiple Sclerosis was until I discovered I had it. And most people don’t know until I share my story. So I am willing to share to inform.

As this year keeps moving by so quickly, I just hope that no one loses sight of the excitement that you had when this year started. It is still the beginning and each new day brings its own set of possibilities. A lady was approached in a subway terminal and asked to complete the lyrics. This one little incident on the way to meet a friend for lunch changed her life. She has went on Ellen and sang for millions of people watching TV, on YouTube and Instagram. Why can’t our lives change just that suddenly? I believe that it can. So please don’t give up. Even if it seems as if you have been fighting the same fight for years. It has an end date. Continue to be well and whole.

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And The Winner Is…

Not me. Not fucking me! Just kidding. I’m not mad. I was not chosen as the scholarship winner for Marie Forleo’s B-school. And I was bummed out for that day but I am still happy and proud of myself for reaching out even when my negative self talk tried to take over. I am happy that I was given the opportunity and sending out congratulations to the winner.

I was on Instagram and I follow this guy named Shai Amiel, The Curl Doctor. He is a hair stylist that specializes in cutting naturally curly hair. Like he knows how to bring out the best in your hair just with the way he cuts. I know that when my hair gets longer I have to set an appointment with him. Now I might have to sell a kidney for the the trip and the cut but I think it will be worth it. He posted a picture of this lovely young lady and was celebrating in his work. Her hair was on point. Here is the pic.

The problem is some person decided it was their duty to let him know that the young lady had a great head of hair and pretty much would have looked good either way it goes. Really!?!?!? Why shit on this man in his moment???? But people do that and they do it often. If I am in my moment and I am excited and proud and you try to downplay it, I can tell you the version of Ebony you will get ain’t the good one. It is going to be the one I reserve for the devil or something equally evil. Lmao. Seriously though, stop it. That is not okay and it is just mean spirited. And don’t pull no harm no foul. It was a foul and harm has been done. Even if a person tries to backtrack the harm has already been done. Don’t get me wrong, this message is for me as well. I need to be more aware of what I say to people. If it is not encouraging or uplifting, I need to keep my trap shut.

I know we are close to the end of February and I am not doing good on the goals. I may need to reevaluate what I can accomplish in 30 days. It is not that I don’t have the will or the motivation. I’m lacking a little in the finance department. So my friend who I speak with often told me about a job opportunity. I submitted my resume and the man called to set up a meeting. That should have alerted me right then and there. But it didn’t. I show up for the “meeting” and it is going well. The gentleman proceeds to ask if I was informed of the pay for the position. I let him know I was not but I also did not ask. What is wrong with me people? Who doesn’t ask these questions? That would be me. To say I was surprised when I discovered the position is a volunteer opportunity is an understatement. Now I’m like who and the hell recommends me, who has goals and dreams that require money, for a volunteer position? I’m not going to say his name. I won’t put him out there like that. But bruh, REALLY!?!?!?!

Now I accepted the position. I know, I know. But the chance to learn new and different things just took over and the next thing I know, I said yes. Right now in my life I am not serving. I am not giving of myself and that is not good. I believe our purpose here on this Earth is to serve. What capacity that you do it in, is up to you. I was totally not seeking this out but it was brought to me. There is the possibility that I can benefit these people in countless ways. And after taking a deep breath and remembering my purpose, I am looking forward to serving, learning and giving the best that I have to offer.

So besides not winning the scholarship and accepting a volunteer position, I still have not found a chair for my desk. I was so close. So close. Out of about a hundred chairs, I seen the perfect one. It was on the top shelf, in the back just waiting on me. Or so I thought. I seen the red sticker and knew it was clearance. I know all my little hints is giving this away. The team member gets the chair down for me and it was scuffed up. Like not in one spot but multiple spots. Ugh, what the hell? Of course it was the only one. Here it is.

Now I am obsessed with finding something just like it. Smh. We will not go any further into this crazy mind of mines. Lol.

It was a different kind of week. Mostly everything I touched outside of my normal doings did not go my way. I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired by the end of the week. There was just one thing though. I could still hear a “but”. You did not win the scholarship, but… The job was not what you expected, but… I don’t know what is on the other side of that “but”, but I have faith that it is going to be just what I need. How was your week? What are your goals, dreams and intentions for this week? Please feel free to share in the comments or email me at elsims27@yahoo.com. Life may not be all what you expect or dream, but continue to be well and whole. Love you all.

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Omggg Get It Together!

I wanted to write and post this last night but I was seriously emotionally exhausted. And it has carried over until today. I’m tired y’all. Lol. Last year I was presented with an opportunity to receive a scholarship to Marie Forleo’s B-school. I waited to the last minute. Actually I waited til past the last minute and did not get to turn it in at all. Sean Croxton was offering the scholarship and he lives in California and there is a time difference. I guess I had already converted Pacific to Eastern when I initially read the email and came up with 3 pm. Well I went back and converted 3 pm to 6 pm. I don’t know what the hell was going on with me. When I finished the video and went back to the email to find out where I was to send it, my heart dropped down to my stomach and then to my feet. Yeahhh 😬 it was a little too late. Like 2 hours too damn late!!!!

My friend/coworker had to listen to me whine about it for 2 weeks. Poor baby. Thank God she loves me. Though I was tore up about it, I learned a very valuable lesson or two. Don’t procrastinate. I had known about the contest for a couple of days so why did I wait to the last minute? Well the other lesson I thought I learned (more on this a little later) was just be yourself and it doesn’t matter what you look like. Quit overanalyzing and get out of your head. All the other opportunities for the rest of the year, I was on it. I did not want to have any more regrets. A missed opportunity that should not have been sparked something in me. I wish it didn’t take that experience to cause a shift but I am happy that I walked away from it a better person.

Now here we are one year later, same opportunity, same person offering the scholarship and I am not fucking it up this time. I planned on recording my video on Saturday. I was going to put on some makeup and a cute outfit. I had already typed out what I wanted to say. I am ready y’all. I tried to record a couple of times but I…I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling it. Ok so now I got it. I will memorize what I typed and then my flow will be perfect. I get up Sunday and I go to my spot on the water. I usually write when I am there so of course I think that it is a perfect spot for memorizing my lines. Not at all. The birds were making so much noise. Are they normally this damn loud?!?! Lol. So I’m just going to stay out here by the water but move to a different spot. I move away from the birds and sit in my car trying to commit these lines to memory and record to see how it goes. I could have created a whole blooper reel. I felt like I was out of breath and had to keep taking breathes in the middle of a sentence. At one point the seagulls started flying by my car distracting the hell out of me. I quit! I decided to go home and regroup.

Remember when I said I thought I learned to get out of my head and stop overanalyzing last year. Totally untrue! Now I am at home. I am starting to get all in my head. I was being my own worst enemy. “Okay, so do you think he is really going to pick your video?” “Just forget it.” “Your hair is so ugly.” “You are not going to look good on video.” “Look at those bags under your eyes.” Yes, these horrible thoughts along with a few others was running through my mind on repeat. I could feel myself deflating. I took a nap. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to make the video anymore. But I got up and made the decision that I was going to do it. Not again! No regerts dammit! Lmao (yes I misspelled it on purpose). The thoughts did not stop but I wasn’t going to let them stop me.

Now I am at another of my water spots and I am trying to find the right angle to hold the phone. I look at myself and I HATE my shirt. Like it did not compliment me at all. I have a moment y’all 🤣. But I have a hoodie in the car. I take my shirt off. I am not naked, I had a tank top on. Ok better. I have my lines pretty much memorized so I start recording. I wish I could say that it went well. Another blooper reel in the making. Not just that though. I get an alert on my phone that I am running out of storage space. You have got to be fucking kidding me!!! Now I am in my phone finding things to delete. I am deleting texts, videos and pictures. If you thought I was anxious before I am really anxious now. I finally delete enough stuff and the warning goes away. But I am still struggling to record my 3 minute elevator pitch all the way through.

I get a text from my friend asking what am I doing. When I tell her I am still trying to record my video she is shocked to say the least. She says, “Omgggg lol get it together! Just be 100% you.” Oh how I needed that. The next take was the money shot. Now let me say, it was by far not perfect. I stumbled a little and I didn’t say everything that was on my sheet of paper. But the most important parts were there and I did it!!! Yay me hehehehe. I uploaded that baby and sent Sean the email with the link to my YouTube video. And I breathed 💨. And by about 10 pm, I was exhausted. I used every ounce of energy I had that day to make a 2 minute and 52 second video. What in the hell?

So what did I learn from this? I still have some work to do when it comes to negative self talk. I should have never talked to myself like that because God knows I wouldn’t talk to anyone else like that. That is so rude. I don’t have to be perfect. The most important thing is to do it, mistakes and all. I won’t regret my mistakes as much as I would regret not doing it. Quit overanalyzing. Who cares what you have on, if your hair is just right, what camera angle makes you look best? I am not modeling. I’m just being me and there cannot be any issues with that. And if there is, so fucking what.

I know I am not the only person who has had moments like this. Filled with self-doubt. Thinking that something is wrong with the way you are. Wondering if who you are is okay and enough. This is one time I would be okay with being by myself. I hope that no one feels this way. I hope that even in moments like I experienced this weekend that you believe you are deserving. That you believe you are capable of getting what you want and so much more. But if by chance you are someone who has moments, I need you to acknowledge it and set up a plan to get past it. Being riddled with self-doubt, feelings of being undeserving or that you are not enough is not who we can be any longer. Remember my new motto.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” -Ayn Rand

Do not be the person stopping yourself. There are so many resources out there that can help you get rid of the negative self talk. YouTube has positive affirmation videos and motivational speeches from every motivational speaker imaginable. And then there is always The Quote of the Day Show by Sean Croxton. I can’t express enough how much this podcast has helped change me. I am still working on me as evident by my weekend but I will not give up. I am breaking generational curses and shaking off years of other’s opinions and perceptions. It may take a minute. As it may for you. Just don’t give up! The life that you want is within your grasp. Keep reaching. Thank you for taking this ride with me. Be well and whole. Stay positive and of you aren’t, get positive. I love you all.

Here is the link to my video submission. Of course I had to share after all this talking about it.