Me – Ebony on Everything

June 17, 2023June 17, 2023

Stumbling Through Life and Love

The other morning as I got up to get ready for work, I stumbled to the bathroom. I thought I am always stumbling and not just when I walk, but in life as well. Hence, the title. Here I am, 45 years old, training for my next career transition, still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up. Single, with minimal prospects, actually zero to none 😆. And I don’t even know how to rectify the situation. Or at least the suggestions from others aren’t working and I am this close 👌🏾 to saying fuck it (a sewing needle couldn’t even fit in the distance between my thumb and finger).

I know there are people who may say I am being too picky and I am not sure if there is a such thing. This is the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. As I said before, I’m 45, I don’t think I have room for error. Maybe the term should be unrealistic. Now, I do believe that is possible. But I’m not even being unrealistic. I have 3 nonnegotiables for when I look at someone’s dating profile or someone I meet organically. One, must believe in God. I don’t care how cute you are or anything else that may sound good in your profile, that is an instant swipe left. Two, doesn’t want kids. There is nothing I can do for a man who wants kids. I’m too old and I don’t want kids. Now, he can have kids. My preference is kids that are close to grown, but I won’t rule anyone out based on the kid(s) age. Three, cannot be a conservative. This may ruffles some feathers. I do not care what side you lean towards in the general sense, but I am a woman. And as I woman, I do not believe that men should have any say in what women do with our bodies. Yes, I believe in God, but what I do is between me and God. Just like what that man does is between him and God.

Now, for all the other things that may cause others to say I am “picky”. Only having one picture, only pictures with a hat on (hats are men’s makeup), saying nothing at all on their profile, I don’t find you attractive, and they are looking for something casual (i.e. fuck buddy). I have swiped left so many times, they are running out of men in my area. They have just started to recycle the ones I already said no to 🤦🏾‍♀️. I think dating websites are so strange and I am annoyed that this is probably the best way to meet someone. I’m terrible at it. The texting back and forth having meaningless conversations. The round of getting to know you questions. The awkward conversations when you finally do talk. Yet, when I think about it, I don’t know if I’m good at organic dating either 😬. I think the plus in organic dating is there is an initial spark. Something to build on. Not the build-a-bear scene of dating apps.

When it is all said and done, I want a husband. Not just to say I got married, or I could have married the wrong person years ago 😆. So, I will keep stumbling through this life open to love and loving. Waiting to fall and that man to catch me (so cheesy). He better catch me! I don’t know if I can take another fall, figuratively and literally 😂. Y’all saw what I looked like the last time. And fortunately or unfortunately, you all are going to have a front row seat. Hell, I already have a story to tell. Next blog. This blog post was the story builder, like the first movie or book in a series. For your sake and mines, I hope it is a short series. Continue to be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

September 17, 2020February 18, 2021

Ready For Love

“It got me roamin’ through these empty streets
Thinkin’ you ready for love
(You ready for love)
Are you ready for it?
I think I’m ready for it”

Ready For Love by Lucky Daye

Ok this post is going to be a little sappy. Bear with me. Lol. I don’t know what happened over the last couple of months but I have went soft. Smh. Too much introspection and dropping limiting beliefs. Visualizations of my future. A sweet comment that chipped at the ice surrounding my heart which caused me to feel a physical pain. I believe it was that part of my heart thawing out and gaining some feeling back. And once that happened, I was done for. The rest of the ice slowly melted leaving an exposed, pulsing heart. A heart that has found its way to my sleeve ready to be put into someone’s hand. “Harpo, who is this woman?” 😂

I had previously thought I was ready for a relationship. One Hinge date set me straight. The guy was so cool and I enjoyed myself. We played miniature golf (I won) and went out for dinner. We had some awkward getting to know you conversation and ended the date on a good note. That doesn’t mean sex people! It means with a possibility of another date. But I realized that it was too much. Too much energy. Too much effort. I didn’t want to use the energy and effort to get to know him better or anyone for that matter. Like I said, he was cool. It wasn’t him, it was me. That’s when I knew I wasn’t ready. I deleted my dating profile and haven’t looked back.

I prefer to meet a man organically. When you meet someone from a dating site, you know what you are there for. Especially, if you are ready for love and long-term commitment. You spend the whole time assessing them and looking for flaws, determined not to waste your time. They don’t really have a chance. My socially awkward ass doesn’t stand a chance. Lol. If I was to meet someone by chance at the bookstore, grocery store or library it would be a better flow for me. I listed these places because they are the only places I go. Lol. Someone says something, somebody else says something. You laugh, they laugh and there is a moment. I love that moment. It’s when you know that there is mutual interest. Numbers are exchanged and a world of possibilities open up.

I’m getting sad now. I haven’t had a moment in forever 🙁😄. No, I’m okay…I think. The truth is I’m ready for a moment. I’m ready to put my heart into someone’s hand. The right person’s hand. I have to admit, I am a little worried. I do not know how to pick them. And I go with the wrong ones that pick me. My type is asshole, period! None of my ex-boyfriends look similar. The only thing they have in common is asshole qualities. I’m not judging them. As the saying goes, “You attract what you are.” Certified asshole here 🙋🏾‍♀️. I guess I felt that someone who acts like me would get me. That I wouldn’t spend the majority of our relationship telling him I was joking and saying I’m sorry. This dating formula didn’t work out so well for me. Lol

I’m changing…slowly. There is parts of me that I love and I don’t want to change. My husband needs to love those parts too. Lol. Or at least accept them. But there are things I definitely need to work on. And I am. I don’t want to mess up what God gives me. I don’t want to be so stubborn, hard-headed, impatient and independent. Yes, I have these interesting qualities 😉. I also have some great ones. Loyal, supportive, honest and considerate. I am a perfect mix of imperfections and desirable qualities. Just right!

I have been watching the Black Love documentaries on YouTube and they are so inspiring. I know that my marriage will be one that works for my husband and I, but it is great to hear successful marriage stories and couples working through the challenges. I don’t have many models in regards to loving, successful marriages. If you have a successful marriage story, I would love to hear it! Feel free to share in the comments or email me at elsims27@yahoo.com. I love love. Continue to be well and whole in your life’s journey. I know that y’all are getting tired of wearing the mask because I am. But let’s keep each other safe. Mask on 😷! Much love 🧡 💚

October 26, 2019July 6, 2020

Me Pt. 5 (Reemergence)

The last few days have been eye opening and life changing. I am so engrossed into finding out who I really am. I know who I am right now but am I suppose to be this person. What about the old me? Did I give too much of her up when she may serve me well right now in my life? What’s really going on? Let me tell you.

So, I have some flaws 😱. Can you believe it? Lol. Here I was thinking I was perfect. I guess not. With that being said, I am pretty bad at articulating what I want to say in a nice way or even in an inoffensive way. I am extremely blunt and how I think it, I say it. I usually think that how I am saying things make sense to me, so of course everyone else is going to understand it. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Those times are few and far in between. Thank God I have friends and family that love me and know I mean no harm. I would be a lonely person if I had to make friends right now in life. Anyways, I said something to an individual in a text message that I probably should not have said at all. Once I told one of my friends, she said it back to me in plain speak and I realize that went all the way left. Like to the point that it came back around and kicked me in my ass. Lol. Yeah…that is how it goes most of the time. The person was offended and that was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that that person would then proceeded to air out their grievances on social media. In a really unnecessary, in my opinion, manner.

Now I am a very private person. I know I have a blog where I talk about myself and my many opinions, but what I share is only the tip of the iceberg. I may constantly put my foot in my mouth but most people wouldn’t know unless I tell them or the other person involved says something. I will seek you out in a private manner to express my thoughts or opinions because that’s me. Everyone don’t need to know everything. And if I say something wrong or offensive, check me right then and there. I am fine with it and I can handle it. Now, I may not agree but I can respect your thoughts and feelings. What I cannot respect is for what I say to become fodder for the attention seeker. For the person who needs validation from others. For a private matter to be made public. Why? I get it. This person was truly offended and I don’t blame them one bit. I actually felt horrible about what I said and was trying to figure out how I could right my wrong. Until…I seen their response.

Now this brings me to the part where I get reacquainted with myself. The me that has been altered to hide parts of myself that are not so pretty. I was ugly with rage. My face was hot. My pits were sweating (I have come to realize this is a true sign of anger for me). My mind clouding up with tongue lashings that I so desperately wanted to deliver. I rarely ever get mad. Upset, irritated but mad, not so much. And it is few and far between when I get mad enough to cuss someone out. Unless I’m driving and that doesn’t count. Lol. I became a version of myself that I had left in the past, for whatever reason. I was changed in that moment and for a good day or so later. I remembered this Ebony. I wanted to embrace her and cut everybody the fuck off and be mean and evil. I wanted to drop my filter completely and verbally abuse anyone who said anything that I perceived as wrong to me. I was ready to be that me again. I had it all planned out. So y’all do know by now that I’m crazy, right? Ok good. Let’s proceed.

What actually happened is I typed out some of my mean comebacks in my phone to help release some of my anger. I text talked to my friends who had me laughing so hard. That helped a lot. I went to sleep. I woke up and I realized I cannot go back to the old me. Oh how I wanted to so bad the day before. I got in the shower and I talked to God. I told Him I did not want to be changed by this. That this was so minor in the grand scheme of things. That I could not be that person again. Now at this point, y’all are probably thinking I am making a big deal about this one incident. But it is not just this one incident. I am constantly pushing down the ugly parts of me to be accepted in polite society. My filter is at 80%. Like we established earlier, I’m not perfect so some things do get through. I am mean people! Like really mean and it is completely natural 🤦🏾.

But on the other hand, I am nice. I say things in a fucked up way but I usually mean well. I am caring, compassionate and loyal as hell. If you have me as a friend, you got me for life. Like it would take some extremely drastic shit for me to give up on you. I am not judgmental and I pretty much keep to myself. I believe in the best of people and I am always putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I believe that my good outweighs my bad. Now what I did get from this is, maybe I am stifling myself a little too much. I may need to lower my filter to 50%. I don’t have to be the old, ultra mean version of myself but I may need to check people a little bit more. I don’t want to hold this stuff in to the point of exploding. I guess I just need to work on my delivery. If I get that down, I can check people all the time. Lol. Seriously though, I have to find a way to convey what I feel without ostracizing people. I know it can be done.

Are there parts of you that are not so pretty? What have you done to change them or to not allow them to interfere with the person you have become? Got any tips for me? I am open to receiving advice. Just don’t get upset if I don’t take it. Lol. I will definitely take it into consideration though. On this rainy Toledo day, I hope you are well and whole.