I don’t know how to relax!!! This is a really serious issue. I read a book about meditation and I planned on meditating because I truly believe that it would be beneficial to me and my health. My mind is always overwhelmed with thoughts, mistakes and whatever I see and hear from one day to the next. Meditation seems like the way to go. I kinda tried a couple of days and really didn’t push it. Twenty minutes of still time is really hard for me. I get fidgety if I am not moving for that long unless I am asleep. Well I sat in my car by the water and tried to meditate today. I listen to the woman as she gave instructions on how to do this meditation. As I tried to relax my body based on her instructions, I realized I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself totally go and let the tension leave my body. I felt all kinds of weird. As if I was going to cry and y’all know how I feel about crying. I felt fear. The fear that if I relaxed completely and totally I would fall apart. Who fucking knew that I was working so hard to hold it together!?!?!?
I pride myself on being strong and able to handle what life throws at me. Of course I am always giving honor to God because I know I couldn’t do it without Him. I may complain a little when something doesn’t go my way, but I am quick to recover and move on. Sometimes I handle the issue at that time or later when I can take care of it. I can’t afford to let things get me down because life continues to happen whether we participate or not. I prefer to participate so that I can have an effect on the outcome. I do all this without truly being aware of how it affects me. If I am doing too much physically, my body will tell me and I sit my ass down. I rarely stop and think about how I am feeling emotionally about things unless I can’t get passed it. Then I will work it over in my mind to death. Eventually if I don’t come up with a solution, I’ll just push it down and go about my other business. Emotions are annoying. Lol
I started this post last week and I didn’t want to finish it until I looked deeper into myself and see if this was true. I am now on the water again.
This is truly my place of peace. Where I can clear my head a little. I did realize one thing about last week. Guys cover your ears. Ladies, “something, something… yeah I know it sucks. Why do we have to go through this. UGH!!!” Ok now that is out of the way. I am in a better space now so I decided to try again to listen to my guided meditation body scan and see if I could relax. Well it didn’t go so well. For one, I was sleepy so I kept dozing off. Two, when I wasn’t dozing off my mind kept wondering off. I had to keep going back to focus on my breathing to clear my mind of the intrusive thoughts. I could have been relaxed but I’m not really sure. I plan on persisting through these small obstacles to make meditation a part of my daily life. I can’t give up.
Now as far as relaxing go, I hope I can accomplish that through meditation. I feel like I am naturally an uptight person, but this may not be true. It may be that I have put shields up to avoid…everything. Now it is up to me to take these shields down one by one. I talked about vulnerability before and how it is totally foreign to me. Well it isn’t foreign any more but I am still struggling to be vulnerable. I looked back at my previous post titled “Vulnerable” posted on August 31, 2017. Let’s say I am still doing the same shit. I have invested in audiobooks about it and even watched a special on Netflix by Dr. Brene Brown called “The Call to Courage”. I am determined to open the door to vulnerability because I believe and the research shows that is when you experience your best life. I want my best life dammit!!!
So in reference to all the other stuff I said before, I am going to have to fall apart. As terrible as that sounds, avoiding it is holding me back. I am going to tell you another one of my issues. I try to plan out being emotional. Lol. No, seriously. Like I only want to be emotional(cry, sad) when I am alone and preferably on the weekend. Not ever around others or when I know I am going someplace that others will be. If I have a moment, I hurry up and pull it together. Hell, sometimes I even get mad that it is happening. Like why now? Why not before I went to bed? Lol. I am sure I am not the only person like this. I just happen to be the person that is willing to admit I’m a little messed up. And don’t not a one of you say a lot. Lol. To spend the majority of your life one way it takes a while to transition to another way. I’m transitioning people. I didn’t think it would take this long. Smh. Anyways, if you see me with red puffy eyes or I look a little sad, don’t you dare say anything. I am falling apart but it is a good thing. I am going to come back together better because of it. And that is what I ultimately want.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt no one is going to comment on here about their struggles. I don’t expect you to. There is a comment box below if you decide to. Or if you want to talk about this off the blog, feel free to email me, elsims27@yahoo.com. I am available to talk about anything. It doesn’t have to be the topic on this particular blog post either. It could be on a previous one or some other topic. I just want everyone to be well and whole, including myself of course.