Book 42

Now when people talk about their birthdays, they call it chapters. I’m sorry but all that happens in a year of my life could never be reduce to just a chapter. My year reads like a book with 12 different chapters for each month. Some months could even produce an additional chapter. This past year it seemed as if I was not writing an autobiography. It felt like someone else was writing my story. More like a biography or just plain out fiction. I found myself at my defintion of rock bottom. Starting over when I used to think that by this age I would have it all figured out. I am not even close to having it figured out. So many downs and more downs. Lol. I am ready for the ups. With God’s blessings and guidance, Book 42 will be the best book ever written so far in my life.

I have lived a pretty restricted life up to this point. Prided myself on being the good girl. The one that did what was perceived as the right thing. Listened to my mother, more than she thinks. Allowed the things that I learned growing up to dictate how I interacted with the world and people around me. Lived by philosophies that were not my own. I have started to read and listen to different individuals that have their shit together. Now I found out I was doing it mostly wrong. All this damn time, I have been doing this shit wrong. Grrrrrr!!! Now this is not to say all of the teachings were wrong. I know that even as I evolve into who I am meant to be, there are teachings that I will hold onto. They are truly beneficial to me. But there is a great many that do not serve me well. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance. What this means is that my beliefs are not lining up with my actions. I am uncomfortable. Somehow I have to change my beliefs so that my actions make sense. I want better and different. My beliefs are trying to hold me back. Not anymore.

I want to do the things that I think of no matter how crazy they may seem. I want to put all my walls down and let people in. And even when a few of those people hurt me, I want to keep my walls down. I want to lean on the right people to help me through the rough patches. I want to say what I think and feel even if I may get rejected. I want to fall in love. And as one of the characters in a romance novel I just read said, “I want to be known”. How fucking powerful is that? He also said, “I want to know you”. Even more so powerful. I want to be known and accepted. And I want to return that same respect to the man who has my heart. So I have been told, it’s never too late. Well, book 42 ought to be interesting 😉.

Starting Chapter 1, Book 42. As I close the last chapter in Book 41, I can say I am humbled. God has kept me. I am grateful. It could have been worse. I am determined. It also could have been better. I am different. You don’t go through things and come out the same way. I am evolving. I know there is more to me and I want to meet her. I am taking it one day at a time. I am expecting. And not just little things, I am expecting big miracles and success. I am accepting. I know that it will not all go my way. But I am realizing. And this will allow me to regroup and continue to push forward. I am open. How else is love going to find me? I am believing. God has the power and I know He wants what is best for me. I am manifesting. I will use my mind to attract what I want and need. I am blessed. I am a child of God and He loves me.

Happy Birthday to me! To my loyal and faithfully readers, be well and whole. Love you all ❤.