elsims

October 26, 2019July 6, 2020

Me Pt. 5 (Reemergence)

The last few days have been eye opening and life changing. I am so engrossed into finding out who I really am. I know who I am right now but am I suppose to be this person. What about the old me? Did I give too much of her up when she may serve me well right now in my life? What’s really going on? Let me tell you.

So, I have some flaws 😱. Can you believe it? Lol. Here I was thinking I was perfect. I guess not. With that being said, I am pretty bad at articulating what I want to say in a nice way or even in an inoffensive way. I am extremely blunt and how I think it, I say it. I usually think that how I am saying things make sense to me, so of course everyone else is going to understand it. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Those times are few and far in between. Thank God I have friends and family that love me and know I mean no harm. I would be a lonely person if I had to make friends right now in life. Anyways, I said something to an individual in a text message that I probably should not have said at all. Once I told one of my friends, she said it back to me in plain speak and I realize that went all the way left. Like to the point that it came back around and kicked me in my ass. Lol. Yeah…that is how it goes most of the time. The person was offended and that was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that that person would then proceeded to air out their grievances on social media. In a really unnecessary, in my opinion, manner.

Now I am a very private person. I know I have a blog where I talk about myself and my many opinions, but what I share is only the tip of the iceberg. I may constantly put my foot in my mouth but most people wouldn’t know unless I tell them or the other person involved says something. I will seek you out in a private manner to express my thoughts or opinions because that’s me. Everyone don’t need to know everything. And if I say something wrong or offensive, check me right then and there. I am fine with it and I can handle it. Now, I may not agree but I can respect your thoughts and feelings. What I cannot respect is for what I say to become fodder for the attention seeker. For the person who needs validation from others. For a private matter to be made public. Why? I get it. This person was truly offended and I don’t blame them one bit. I actually felt horrible about what I said and was trying to figure out how I could right my wrong. Until…I seen their response.

Now this brings me to the part where I get reacquainted with myself. The me that has been altered to hide parts of myself that are not so pretty. I was ugly with rage. My face was hot. My pits were sweating (I have come to realize this is a true sign of anger for me). My mind clouding up with tongue lashings that I so desperately wanted to deliver. I rarely ever get mad. Upset, irritated but mad, not so much. And it is few and far between when I get mad enough to cuss someone out. Unless I’m driving and that doesn’t count. Lol. I became a version of myself that I had left in the past, for whatever reason. I was changed in that moment and for a good day or so later. I remembered this Ebony. I wanted to embrace her and cut everybody the fuck off and be mean and evil. I wanted to drop my filter completely and verbally abuse anyone who said anything that I perceived as wrong to me. I was ready to be that me again. I had it all planned out. So y’all do know by now that I’m crazy, right? Ok good. Let’s proceed.

What actually happened is I typed out some of my mean comebacks in my phone to help release some of my anger. I text talked to my friends who had me laughing so hard. That helped a lot. I went to sleep. I woke up and I realized I cannot go back to the old me. Oh how I wanted to so bad the day before. I got in the shower and I talked to God. I told Him I did not want to be changed by this. That this was so minor in the grand scheme of things. That I could not be that person again. Now at this point, y’all are probably thinking I am making a big deal about this one incident. But it is not just this one incident. I am constantly pushing down the ugly parts of me to be accepted in polite society. My filter is at 80%. Like we established earlier, I’m not perfect so some things do get through. I am mean people! Like really mean and it is completely natural 🤦🏾.

But on the other hand, I am nice. I say things in a fucked up way but I usually mean well. I am caring, compassionate and loyal as hell. If you have me as a friend, you got me for life. Like it would take some extremely drastic shit for me to give up on you. I am not judgmental and I pretty much keep to myself. I believe in the best of people and I am always putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I believe that my good outweighs my bad. Now what I did get from this is, maybe I am stifling myself a little too much. I may need to lower my filter to 50%. I don’t have to be the old, ultra mean version of myself but I may need to check people a little bit more. I don’t want to hold this stuff in to the point of exploding. I guess I just need to work on my delivery. If I get that down, I can check people all the time. Lol. Seriously though, I have to find a way to convey what I feel without ostracizing people. I know it can be done.

Are there parts of you that are not so pretty? What have you done to change them or to not allow them to interfere with the person you have become? Got any tips for me? I am open to receiving advice. Just don’t get upset if I don’t take it. Lol. I will definitely take it into consideration though. On this rainy Toledo day, I hope you are well and whole.

October 20, 2019October 27, 2019

Today’s Reflections

Let’s start with a quick update. I am doing alright. I am finally rid of the lingering side effects from the treatment. I am back to myself, good and bad. I had an appointment with my neurologist a couple of weeks ago and it was informative. The last MRI I had showed an increase in lesions on my spine. This would explain why my walking has gotten worse. At this time his recommendation is to continue on the current medication. And since I like walking, I will. Lol. Thank you everyone for your prayers and concerns. It is always appreciated and welcomed. This post should have been called random thoughts because I am all over the place. These are thoughts I had when I was out watching the sunrise. It is so peaceful and beautiful.

I seem to only write on the weekend which is normal for me but weird. It is the time when my mind is free of most other thoughts. I used to struggle on the weekends as well because I would take work home with me. Not physically but definitely mentally. Now, when I walk out of the door on Friday, my mind is clear. I get annoyed when people ask me about what happened last week. Hell I don’t know and I don’t want to. The rummaging through my brain for that tidbit of information is not on my list of things to do. This is a new week and I want to approach it as such. I digress. I spent the weekend working on one of the books I am writing(seriously). And I even finished my birthday blog. Yes, I know it is a week away, but it was flowing out of me so why not write.

I write notes all the time. I’ll be at work and a thought will come to mind. I will hurry up to write it down before I forget. If I don’t, that thought will be blowing away in the wind. Then I expand on that thought at a later date or time. Most times, it is a much later date 😬. I would love to have a thought and be able to write it out in its entirety when I am having it. I would probably post more often. When I have to pick up on the thought later, it does make it difficult to pull out what I wanted to say. I really think about great writing material when I am driving. Literally the best. Well the problem is I’m driving. Lol. I have tried to do the talk to text, not a fan. When I go back and read it I have a hard time trying to figure out what the hell I was saying. All types of wrong words based on what the phone thought it heard 😂. People recommend setting aside time to write. I get it but I don’t always think about things to write when I am focused on writing. I am easily distracted. Smh.

Some mornings, hell some days I just don’t feel like talking to people. I just want to be in my world, with my thoughts and no interruptions. The energy that it takes to interact with others is just too much. I wear headphones a lot. Not the in-ear ones but the go over your head ones. You would think that if people see this they wouldn’t talk to me right? Yeah, not so much. I like my sunrise location but sometimes I don’t want to talk to the people. They are friendly. So am I. But some mornings I wish I had tinted windows. Lol.

Now this is probably going to offend some people, but I don’t care, I don’t care. Smokers ruin everything. Everytime I’m out just wanting to enjoy the fresh air and nature, somebody has to come into the space I’m occupying smoking their funky ass cigarettes. I am extremely sensitive to the smell of cigarette smoke. I hate it!!!! Then the person is usually a damn chain smoker. Which means I have to leave my peaceful environment because I can’t tolerate it. I am saying this because as I am typing there is a lady out here smoking. Oddly, she isn’t that close but the wind is blowing it my way 😠.

Just some thoughts as I sit out here basking in God’s creation. Studying bird behavior and taking way too many pictures. Marveling at every little tick of the sun as it rises up and break through the clouds. It takes between 4 and 1/2 to 5 minutes for the sun to fully became visible. I recorded it. I know I need a life. Lol. These moments are so precious. I am glad that I take this time out for myself. It adds to my happiness.

Saturday, 10-12-19. Don’t the clouds look kinda like mountains?

In exactly one week I will be 42. Wow!!! I haven’t officially decided what I am going to do. I know drinking and eating is going to be involved. And time spent with my closest, dearest friends. All that sounds fabulous to me. I am not doing a road trip this year 🙁. I just moved and that tied up my money. I am not even sure if I will be able to buy my own present. Lol. I want a goPro. I want to record some of my excursions. I guess I can wait until my next birthday. That way I will have my road trip planned out and have something to record. Hope you all have a marvelous day. As always, be well and whole.

September 29, 2019

Just Another Day

I’ve been writing and not writing. I’ve been experiencing and just existing. I have been sick and sicker. I’ve been living this life which is mine but is truly not the greatest. I always say that I have no known enemies, but I have one. It’s multiple sclerosis(MS). This shit is a true enemy and it is trying to kill, steal and destroy. It is trying to kill my livelihood, steal my peace and destroy my body. And this weekend, it is succeeding just a little. Not a lot. Feeling a little defeated, exhausted and beat up. I know I don’t talk about MS much but today, let’s talk about it. This is not a pity party. This is the realities of living day to day with an autoimmune disease. This is my reality. I don’t expect anyone to understand. Just be with me in this moment, if you can. If not, I get it. I don’t want to be in this moment. Lol.

So pretty much ever since my car was broken into, I have been struggling more than normal. My episodes/relapses/exacerbations are triggered by stress. That incident caused stress on top of stress. I adjust. I don’t think I have a choice, I mean do I? The way I walk, the way I conserve energy, all my movements and actions adjust to make it through the day successfully. I don’t allow the differences of actions to determine what I can and cannot do. Now my coworkers notice every fucking thing. It is like they have a microscope on me. It got to a point that they were going to call the doctor themselves to say that I was in a relapse. Or worse, my mom. Lol. I finally caved in and called my neurologist. He arranged for me to have a three day steroid infusion. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. I dislike them immensely.

To break it down. I have a set appointment at an infusion center. The treatment involves a corticosteroid drip that takes about an hour to complete. I have to get poked each day with an infusion needle because I work in an office and it is more of a pain in the ass to leave it in for the three days. The treatment leaves a metallic taste in your mouth that is suppose to go away after a couple of hours. This treatment, not so much. This treatment literally has been the worse ever!!! Based on this treatment alone, I will not have another one unless I can’t walk, see or function in anyway that resembles my normal.

We tend to think that the medications that we are given is more of a help than a hindrance. Yes they all have their side effects. That is to be expected. But this right here is unexpected for me. I have had severely swollen ankles and legs since Thursday. Limited feeling in my feet since they are so swollen. I am actually walking worse than before the treatment. Brain fog and my food taste weird or no taste. My face is swollen as well but not as obvious as my legs. I feel like the Michelin man. I generally feel like shit. But guess what today is? It’s Sunday. So tomorrow is Monday. And that would be a work day. I am going to be at work bright and early at 8 am. This is my reality of living with MS.

I don’t want sympathy or pity, or any other emotion that is not uplifting. I’m just saying. Selma Blair, who was also diagnosed with MS, chronicles her journey with MS regularly. I know she does it because she has a bigger platform and can bring true awareness to this disease. I respect her willingness to share and enlighten. I, on the hand, just don’t like talking about it. I feel like what is it going to change. I am still going to have MS. I am still going to go through this life the way that I am destined to live it. I don’t know why I am even sharing today. Lol. I guess because it is different. It is a path that I have never been down before. It is kinda throwing me off.

The next few days I am just praying to get back to my normal. My ankles looking like ankles. My body moving in a way that I feel I have a small amount of control over. My brain being able to process all that is coming at it. Me being me. And if you would like to add your prayers, I will gladly accept and appreciate them. I hope that if you have been taking your health for granted and not doing what you are supposed to be doing, that this also gives you a kick in the ass. I have limited choices where my health is concerned. If your choices are your own, make the right ones. I ask sincerely for each and everyone of you to be well and whole. It matters. Love you all ❤!