Author: elsims

You know how they say, ‘If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Well that is why I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I seriously have nothing nice to say. I am living by the famous words of Chalupa, my niece. “I don’t care. I don’t care about anything but myself. I am just trying to survive.” She is 6 years old and has a cold. Pretty sure she is going to survive. And so will I. But I have way more going on than a cold.

You know how you go through some pretty terrible shit and think you have came out on the other side of it. And you are like “Yes, it’s over”. Then one day, not long after the last event, something else terrible happens. And you realize that the terrible shit is far from over. I thought Book 41 was done. Written and published. Now I have to edit it to include an epilogue and that is the first two chapters of Book 42. Smh. Yep, just yep.

I know that our lives don’t just miraculously change because we want it to or overnight. Things happen. I get it. But I am also tired of it. Like really what the hell? One month and a few days has passed since I turned 42. I have been so optimistic about the whole thing. Then, I got punched in the gut. This past week has just delivered me a black eye.

Yes, a nice crack in the windshield of the rental car. The last thing I needed. So I am not handling life well right now. I am not saying these things for sympathy, empathy, pity or signifying that I need or want help. I am saying them because they are new to me and I am amazed that I have been in this place for so long. And I realize that some people live like this each and every day and don’t come out of it. How they must feel!?!?! How do they see the world? Will they ever come out of it? Do they make a goal to get out of this rut that seems at times hopeless? I need to talk to someone. I need to know how to move on from this. I also need to know why people give up and don’t move on. I would love to talk to someone once I am out of this rut. To encourage ours that it is not hopeless and one day all this shit will be in your rearview. But first, I need to make it to the other side. I need to be on solid ground. Build a stable foundation. Then I could reach out to others who are were I have been. To give my testimony.

Book 42 is going to be missing a few chapters. I refuse to include these last couple of months in my new book. This book was for life changing, groundbreaking events. Financial abundance and love. All the good shit. I am rejecting all other things that don’t align with the way I want my life to go. If any more chapters act like they belong in Book 41, they can kiss my grits. Lol. I was in my car Saturday watching the sunrise and working on this post and this song came on the radio.

Watch “for KING & COUNTRY – burn the ships (Official Music Video)” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/pOVrOuKVBuY

I had heard it before but I guess I wasn’t tuned in to what it was saying. Yesterday morning it was meant for me to truly hear the words. I had a moment in the car. This song spoke to me and I am ready for the day that I burn the ships. I know I am not the only person in this situation. Other’s issues are maybe the same as mine or different. But we all have them. If you are in a bad place right now, please don’t give up.

Each new day brings an opportunity for the burdens to be lifted. For the blessings to pour. I know it seems hopeless at times but I know that God has you and I. We just have to hold on and keep having faith. I know I may not be of any use right now but I am still available as a listening ear. Feel free to email me or leave a comment below. Please don’t give up and be well and whole. Love you all.

I am always and I mean always saying something out of place. I can’t remember exactly how I was when I was younger. I am sure I was the same way, but now in my life, smh. I would describe myself as socially awkward. My good friend Monica said it is more of a lack of filter. Now I can admit that my filter slips. Like I said I’m an 80/20, with 80 being the times the filter is in place. So I’m not sure if that fits me in particular. I am leaning toward socially awkward because I struggle in the real world. Lol. Oh let me count the ways.

For one, I suck at small talk. After the greetings, I’ll just stand there. Like what the hell am I suppose to say? I don’t want to talk about the weather or any damn thing else that doesn’t really matter. News 👎🏾. Hell I can’t give you any more examples because I just don’t partake in it. Unless the other person continues to ask me questions, then I respond and may repeat back the same questions 🤦🏾. I would be prone to ask something serious or none of my business. The awkward part comes in even more when I do that. Half the time I don’t even realize I overstepped. My inefficiency to hold small talk works against me on dating websites as well. He says hi or something else stupid, I say hi. He asks a question. I never respond. Once again what do you say?

Second, I am direct and blunt. Not many sweet words from me. I say it directly in an effort to eliminate misunderstandings. I dislike misunderstandings. I want you to know exactly what I meant. Now with that being said. Sometimes people get it, sometimes they don’t. Unless they are really close to me, either way it goes, they are probably offended. I even offend the people close to me. I try really hard to find ways to say it nicely. Usually, I just say fuck it and just say it the way I’m thinking it. Or I don’t say it at all. Not sure which one is worse.

Third, I stare. Like in an uncomfortable way. Even though I really don’t like people, they fascinate me. I am always trying to figure out why they did something. How they interact with others. It’s interesting. Most times this leads me to stare because I am watching so intently. If you see me looking at you in this way, don’t be offended. I am fascinated by you. This is a good thing. Take my word for it. Lol

Fourth, I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. Occasionally I will pick up on it without someone having to point it out, but most times I’m oblivious. I am the type of person that would just want to say, “Im interested in you. What’s up?” Yes, I know it doesn’t work that way, but why not!?!?! I don’t want to work that hard with the flirting. I look, he looks. We make eye contact. I hold it for a second and then look away. Or I look, he looks. I give a smile and then look away. This is actually probably the worst flirting technique. I smile all the fucking time. Guys are always going to think I’m flirting when in reality, I’m just being friendly 😩. Now how do I get myself out of it when he comes to talk to me and I am totally not interested in him? Somebody, anybody? The linger look is just as bad. Remember I said I stare. I was watching you not flirting, go away. Lol

Fifth, I talk to myself. Yes all the time, about everything. I am talking right now as I am writing this 😂😂😂. It used to be a stigma to talk to yourself. Actually, I’m pretty sure it still is because people always ask who am I talking to. My usual response is whoever is listening. But I’m really just talking to myself.

Sixth, like I said in the post “Today’s Reflections”, I wear headphones a lot. Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, walking around my apartment, on lunch at work, doing yard work, at the library, etc. You name it, I probably have headphones on. I wore them in the tub the other day. Lol. Yes, I know that it is weird. I don’t care. I didn’t want to get my phone wet. Like I said before it is not always effective at stopping people from talking to me, they don’t care. However, headphones are effective for listening to music. I love music. I feel like it makes anything that I have to do in life better.

I am pretty sure I could come up with more examples to solidify my social awkwardness but I think I proved it at this point. This does not negate the issues I have with my filter. But I feel like I have that mostly under control. Well except for last week. I may label that as a socially awkward moment. I am sure there is people that would disagree with me in regards to my filter. People being my friends. But I am not suppose to have a filter with them. They are the people that I can truly be myself with.

Well I think I am going to stop talking before I scare everyone off. Lol. Embrace your quirks and continue to be well and whole.

Now when people talk about their birthdays, they call it chapters. I’m sorry but all that happens in a year of my life could never be reduce to just a chapter. My year reads like a book with 12 different chapters for each month. Some months could even produce an additional chapter. This past year it seemed as if I was not writing an autobiography. It felt like someone else was writing my story. More like a biography or just plain out fiction. I found myself at my defintion of rock bottom. Starting over when I used to think that by this age I would have it all figured out. I am not even close to having it figured out. So many downs and more downs. Lol. I am ready for the ups. With God’s blessings and guidance, Book 42 will be the best book ever written so far in my life.

I have lived a pretty restricted life up to this point. Prided myself on being the good girl. The one that did what was perceived as the right thing. Listened to my mother, more than she thinks. Allowed the things that I learned growing up to dictate how I interacted with the world and people around me. Lived by philosophies that were not my own. I have started to read and listen to different individuals that have their shit together. Now I found out I was doing it mostly wrong. All this damn time, I have been doing this shit wrong. Grrrrrr!!! Now this is not to say all of the teachings were wrong. I know that even as I evolve into who I am meant to be, there are teachings that I will hold onto. They are truly beneficial to me. But there is a great many that do not serve me well. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance. What this means is that my beliefs are not lining up with my actions. I am uncomfortable. Somehow I have to change my beliefs so that my actions make sense. I want better and different. My beliefs are trying to hold me back. Not anymore.

I want to do the things that I think of no matter how crazy they may seem. I want to put all my walls down and let people in. And even when a few of those people hurt me, I want to keep my walls down. I want to lean on the right people to help me through the rough patches. I want to say what I think and feel even if I may get rejected. I want to fall in love. And as one of the characters in a romance novel I just read said, “I want to be known”. How fucking powerful is that? He also said, “I want to know you”. Even more so powerful. I want to be known and accepted. And I want to return that same respect to the man who has my heart. So I have been told, it’s never too late. Well, book 42 ought to be interesting 😉.

Starting Chapter 1, Book 42. As I close the last chapter in Book 41, I can say I am humbled. God has kept me. I am grateful. It could have been worse. I am determined. It also could have been better. I am different. You don’t go through things and come out the same way. I am evolving. I know there is more to me and I want to meet her. I am taking it one day at a time. I am expecting. And not just little things, I am expecting big miracles and success. I am accepting. I know that it will not all go my way. But I am realizing. And this will allow me to regroup and continue to push forward. I am open. How else is love going to find me? I am believing. God has the power and I know He wants what is best for me. I am manifesting. I will use my mind to attract what I want and need. I am blessed. I am a child of God and He loves me.

Happy Birthday to me! To my loyal and faithfully readers, be well and whole. Love you all ❤.