About every other week, sometimes every week I have a “What the fuck is wrong with you Ebony Lamonica Sims?” moment. Along with a “Who does that?” Recently, someone I am cool with shared their feelings with me. Right before he did it, I felt the shift in the air and my defenses went up. I must tell you that it is only after talking with one of my close friends that I even became aware of this reaction. I responded in the most fucked up way possible. I proceeded to tell the person how he felt and pretty much shitted on his feelings. Don’t beat me up. My friends have done it enough already.
The worst part with all of this is I didn’t even know my reaction was wrong until my friend told me 🤦🏾♀️. She broke it completely down for me (in a mean way, lol) and I was so disappointed and embarrassed. I was disappointed because here I am thinking I am growing and becoming a better person. Reading books and listening to podcasts only to revert back to the same old me when confronted with an uncomfortable situation. Embarrassed that it took my friend to point it out and that I treated another person that way.
I was also hurt. To realize my thoughtless response had the ability to hurt another person hurt me. I put myself in that other person’s shoes. What if I told my crush how I felt about him and he did the same thing to me? I have finally worked up the nerve to put it all out there and he totally disrespected my feelings. What the fuck Ebony Lamonica Sims!?! Who does that? Obviously me. Even as I am writing this I am overcome with emotions. I was not impeccable with my word. I was mean, hurtful and disregarding. This is a lot for me. I am not handling it well.
These last 2 months I have not been writing as much because I have been feeling too much. I have been feeling whatever the emotions are. To say it has been unpleasant is an understatement. Lol. But I know in order to have the breakthroughs and become the person I want to be, it is necessary. The trick is not to dwell in the feelings. To not let them consume you and take you down. If I held on to every “what the fuck” moment I would be buried. The goal is to feel it, work through it and coming out on the other side a better person. Being more self aware and with new tools to use for the next challenge. My next step is to work through these feelings. I have already started the process. I apologized for my actions. Or would it be reaction 🤔.
If you get nothing else from my blog, I hope you learn what not to do from my countless follies and missteps. Lol. Seriously though, this is one of the reasons why I share these moments. We all have to go through something, but sometimes those things are unnecessary. We bring them upon ourselves. So hopefully me going through necessary and unnecessary (lol) situations can stop you from having to. You can learn from my life experiences and my mistakes. Less mess and less stress for you. Lol. Be well and whole. Much love 🧡 💚