I am always on the line about sharing things that are really personal. So I went back and forth with this post. I am going to be talking about needles and injections. I realize this may make some people squirmish and for those people, I recommend you skip this post. If you can handle it, great. Let’s get started.
If you have read any of my October posts, you know that I am on a medication called Avonex for my multiple sclerosis. Avonex is a once weekly infection that can go into the top of the thigh, side of the thigh or the upper arm. It needs to be infected into a muscle. I had managed to do just that successfully 11 times before. On the Friday of my 12th injection that all changed.
This Friday was just like any other Friday. Prepped all the things that I needed, alcohol wipe, gauze pad, bandage and the syringe with needle attached containing my medicine. Hands washed and ice pack ready, I sat down to prepare my injection site. I found a spot in the general area I usually inject and slapped the ice pack down. This goes on for about 10 minutes while I play a game on my phone. Leg properly numbed and I am ready. I clean the area with the alcohol wipe. Give it a little time to dry and then I insert the needle. About half way in I feel a pain I have never felt before. My leg twitches and shots out. What the fuck!?!?! I pull the needle out, move it over just a little bit. Insert again. The same pain, my leg shots out again.
At this point I am losing it. My leg is hurting so bad and it is bleeding from two different spots. I have to get up and get a totally different bandage because the one I usually use won’t accommodate the full surface. I am now upset and discouraged because I don’t know what went wrong or what to do. My hands are shaking and I really just want to say fuck it. I think about calling the nurse line but what the hell are they going to say? I believe that I have hit a nerve but I can’t be sure. I fall asleep.
I wake up about 2 and 1/2 hours later. I hate the whole idea but I decide to try it again on my other leg, the right leg. I am a little leary though because they don’t recommend doing the same leg back to back. I am too scared to try again in the left leg so I have to take my chances. I once again prep my thigh with ice in the general area I normally inject. I let the ice stay on longer than necessary because I need time to get up the nerve to do this again. I once again clean the area with alcohol and let it dry. I unsheath the needle insert into my leg and I feel an intense pain once again. Now I am truly freaking out. No way did I just hit the nerve in a different leg. Am I just being paranoid? I honestly don’t know but I know I have had it with this shit. I sit down on the floor feeling dejected and hopeless.
But there is something in me that knows, if I don’t conquer this fear, I will never be able to do this again. I go to YouTube and decide to watch a video of someone injecting. The guy in the video is using the Avonex pen, not the syringe but it’s good enough. He is injecting in a different area than I normally use. I finish the video, grab the ice pack and start the process all over again. I’m scared. I’m scared I will hit a nerve again. Scared of rhe pain that comes with that. Scared that I have just met my match and I am going to lose this fight. I once again insert the needle. Oh it hurt, but it was the usual hurt. I pushed the needle in the required amount and injected the medication as I had the previous 11 times.
I apply the bandage, clean up my area and then I cry. I don’t know if I was crying because it was finally over. Or because of the pain. My left leg still hurt like hell. Or a combination of both. I just know I couldn’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. My hands shook as I documented all that just happened. My tears dried and I fell back to sleep.
So what is the point of this long ass story? The point is never give up. At each interval I wanted to say “Fuck it”, throw my hands up and be done. Well I did do exactly that. Lol. But I knew I couldn’t quit. I knew that in no way it would benefit me. I would be without medicine to combat this illness and I would have given into fear. I don’t want fear to rule my life. Now when it came to do the shot this Friday, I was still scared. But I felt a sense of resolve. I was not going to be beaten. I was not going to quit. And I didn’t. I did not hit a nerve at all. I injected and went about my night as usual.
So I say to you, don’t give up. Don’t give into fear. Believe in yourself. Whatever it is that you think you can’t do, you can. You got this! I am rooting for you just as I am rooting for myself. In this life we need cheerleaders and supporters. I will be that for you. What have you pushed through lately? What obstacle tripped you up but you still managed to complete the course? Or what is tripping you up and you need some encouragement? Leave a comment or email me at elsims27@yahoo.com. I want you to be well and whole. Much love š§” š