Omggg Get It Together!

I wanted to write and post this last night but I was seriously emotionally exhausted. And it has carried over until today. I’m tired y’all. Lol. Last year I was presented with an opportunity to receive a scholarship to Marie Forleo’s B-school. I waited to the last minute. Actually I waited til past the last minute and did not get to turn it in at all. Sean Croxton was offering the scholarship and he lives in California and there is a time difference. I guess I had already converted Pacific to Eastern when I initially read the email and came up with 3 pm. Well I went back and converted 3 pm to 6 pm. I don’t know what the hell was going on with me. When I finished the video and went back to the email to find out where I was to send it, my heart dropped down to my stomach and then to my feet. Yeahhh 😬 it was a little too late. Like 2 hours too damn late!!!!

My friend/coworker had to listen to me whine about it for 2 weeks. Poor baby. Thank God she loves me. Though I was tore up about it, I learned a very valuable lesson or two. Don’t procrastinate. I had known about the contest for a couple of days so why did I wait to the last minute? Well the other lesson I thought I learned (more on this a little later) was just be yourself and it doesn’t matter what you look like. Quit overanalyzing and get out of your head. All the other opportunities for the rest of the year, I was on it. I did not want to have any more regrets. A missed opportunity that should not have been sparked something in me. I wish it didn’t take that experience to cause a shift but I am happy that I walked away from it a better person.

Now here we are one year later, same opportunity, same person offering the scholarship and I am not fucking it up this time. I planned on recording my video on Saturday. I was going to put on some makeup and a cute outfit. I had already typed out what I wanted to say. I am ready y’all. I tried to record a couple of times but I…I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling it. Ok so now I got it. I will memorize what I typed and then my flow will be perfect. I get up Sunday and I go to my spot on the water. I usually write when I am there so of course I think that it is a perfect spot for memorizing my lines. Not at all. The birds were making so much noise. Are they normally this damn loud?!?! Lol. So I’m just going to stay out here by the water but move to a different spot. I move away from the birds and sit in my car trying to commit these lines to memory and record to see how it goes. I could have created a whole blooper reel. I felt like I was out of breath and had to keep taking breathes in the middle of a sentence. At one point the seagulls started flying by my car distracting the hell out of me. I quit! I decided to go home and regroup.

Remember when I said I thought I learned to get out of my head and stop overanalyzing last year. Totally untrue! Now I am at home. I am starting to get all in my head. I was being my own worst enemy. “Okay, so do you think he is really going to pick your video?” “Just forget it.” “Your hair is so ugly.” “You are not going to look good on video.” “Look at those bags under your eyes.” Yes, these horrible thoughts along with a few others was running through my mind on repeat. I could feel myself deflating. I took a nap. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to make the video anymore. But I got up and made the decision that I was going to do it. Not again! No regerts dammit! Lmao (yes I misspelled it on purpose). The thoughts did not stop but I wasn’t going to let them stop me.

Now I am at another of my water spots and I am trying to find the right angle to hold the phone. I look at myself and I HATE my shirt. Like it did not compliment me at all. I have a moment y’all 🤣. But I have a hoodie in the car. I take my shirt off. I am not naked, I had a tank top on. Ok better. I have my lines pretty much memorized so I start recording. I wish I could say that it went well. Another blooper reel in the making. Not just that though. I get an alert on my phone that I am running out of storage space. You have got to be fucking kidding me!!! Now I am in my phone finding things to delete. I am deleting texts, videos and pictures. If you thought I was anxious before I am really anxious now. I finally delete enough stuff and the warning goes away. But I am still struggling to record my 3 minute elevator pitch all the way through.

I get a text from my friend asking what am I doing. When I tell her I am still trying to record my video she is shocked to say the least. She says, “Omgggg lol get it together! Just be 100% you.” Oh how I needed that. The next take was the money shot. Now let me say, it was by far not perfect. I stumbled a little and I didn’t say everything that was on my sheet of paper. But the most important parts were there and I did it!!! Yay me hehehehe. I uploaded that baby and sent Sean the email with the link to my YouTube video. And I breathed 💨. And by about 10 pm, I was exhausted. I used every ounce of energy I had that day to make a 2 minute and 52 second video. What in the hell?

So what did I learn from this? I still have some work to do when it comes to negative self talk. I should have never talked to myself like that because God knows I wouldn’t talk to anyone else like that. That is so rude. I don’t have to be perfect. The most important thing is to do it, mistakes and all. I won’t regret my mistakes as much as I would regret not doing it. Quit overanalyzing. Who cares what you have on, if your hair is just right, what camera angle makes you look best? I am not modeling. I’m just being me and there cannot be any issues with that. And if there is, so fucking what.

I know I am not the only person who has had moments like this. Filled with self-doubt. Thinking that something is wrong with the way you are. Wondering if who you are is okay and enough. This is one time I would be okay with being by myself. I hope that no one feels this way. I hope that even in moments like I experienced this weekend that you believe you are deserving. That you believe you are capable of getting what you want and so much more. But if by chance you are someone who has moments, I need you to acknowledge it and set up a plan to get past it. Being riddled with self-doubt, feelings of being undeserving or that you are not enough is not who we can be any longer. Remember my new motto.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” -Ayn Rand

Do not be the person stopping yourself. There are so many resources out there that can help you get rid of the negative self talk. YouTube has positive affirmation videos and motivational speeches from every motivational speaker imaginable. And then there is always The Quote of the Day Show by Sean Croxton. I can’t express enough how much this podcast has helped change me. I am still working on me as evident by my weekend but I will not give up. I am breaking generational curses and shaking off years of other’s opinions and perceptions. It may take a minute. As it may for you. Just don’t give up! The life that you want is within your grasp. Keep reaching. Thank you for taking this ride with me. Be well and whole. Stay positive and of you aren’t, get positive. I love you all.

Here is the link to my video submission. Of course I had to share after all this talking about it.