Forewarning: This is going to be a pretty long post. Probably my longest one ever.
I have been going through my things that I brought to my mom’s house trying to streamline them. I am a collector of cards, letters and any other thing I feel marks a time in my life. All these items have been sitting in plastic tubs over the years. I decided to come up with a way to have access to them without shifting through everything in the tubs. Amongst these items, I found letters that I have written to other people, mainly men, and other snippets of writing. Why do I have letters that I wrote to other people? When I wrote letters I would have two copies, one for me and one for them. I needed to be able to go back and see what I said. Also, it would be considered my rough draft. I would make changes based off the first letter. Don’t judge me 🤦🏾♀️😆.
I am about to share an extremely (in my opinion) personal something. It was a writing that I found from the year 2000. I don’t know if it was suppose to be an article, journal entry, or what. It had a title (which is the title of this blog post) and it was written as if for an audience. I did not have a blog back then, nor did I write for any publications. Guess I knew this day would come and I would one day share it with my readers.
This is an authentic 23 years old Ebony Sims writing. The only changes I made was if a word was spelled wrong or left out. I realized that the younger me writings were unusally descriptive and filled with emotion, but short on grammar and correct punctuation. There may be run-on sentences, commas in the wrong places, who knows. I got my point across and even reading it after all these years, I understand. Not just what I was saying, but I understand so much more about myself. Here is the “blog post”.
I’m not actually sure what one thing/event makes a girl into a woman. Is it when you start your period, lose your virginity or when you turn 21? This question is one that plagues me because I have done all of these things and yet I don’t feel like a woman. How do I know I’m not? Well, for starters I still live at home with my mom. And if you didn’t know, there is only one woman per household. Second, would be my attitude and how I handle situations. Recently, I came across a situation that I did not handle like a woman.
I was visiting a friend from out of town (okay he was more than a friend in my eyes) and I answered the phone while he was at work. A girl called who I knew he had messed with. Well, I guess she called his cell and was ranting and raving on his voicemail. So he gets in the house and goes on and on about how he feels about women and what she said on the voicemail. Now, is it just me or can all women relate to this. I am a female who is staying at this male’s home. I am a welcomed guest, yet he calls another girl on the phone to explain to her who I am. To soothe her worries and ease her fears. Yes, this actually happened. Well, in the meantime, I can hear the whole conversation and somewhere along the line I make a comment such as “Men are such fucking liars (not verbatim)” and I am instantly condemned to hell, never to return. Explanation, my actions were consider disrespectful for he was on the phone.
Now as the female that I am, I believe that I was also disrespected. But I also believe I could have handled the situation better. Now if I was a woman, I believed as soon as he made the phone call, I would have immediately packed my bags and walked out of the door. Why? Because women don’t resort to childish comments to mask hurt and discomfort. Nor do they stand for being disrespected. I have replayed this event over and over in my head and sometimes I will leave it just as it is. And others, I will be the woman that I’m not.
What have I learned from all this? I need to move out of my mom’s house. No, just kidding (even though I do need to move). I learned that at 23, I am still not a woman because of my actions. But I also learned that I am beginning to think like one and maybe someday my thoughts will reflect in my actions. I don’t know if there is one such event or situation that makes you a woman. I do believe that maybe an event or situation can help you realize that you aren’t. It also can motivate you to, if not be a woman, to practice some actions that women do on an every day basis. Is it going to be easy, probably not. But I think it is worth it.
After reading this and countless other writings that pertained to men who have been in my life, I can see why I am who I am. I do not put sole blame on the men. I realize my role in these situations and carry 50% of the burden. I was something else when I was younger so please don’t feel bad for me. Did I go through some unnecessary, hurtful and disrespectful shit? Absolutely! Did I have to? Not at all. I could have walked away from the situations just like I walked away from this one. Oh, I don’t think I said in the “blog post” what I did. I waited until he went to work the next day, packed my shit and left.
I didn’t just leave though. I left a totally different person. I was hollowed out. I had nothing to give to anyone else for a long time. I am not sure when I finally got over that. Truth is, I look at the person I am today and realize I don’t think I ever got over it. I am still carrying remnants from my past relationships that have caused me to evolve into who I am. Good and bad.
These writings have really opened up something in me. I have laughed at the things younger me used to say and cried at the pain younger me has felt. I have grown. I recommend if you have any old journals, letters or writings to read them. It will be therapeutic and enlightening. You may just find yourself. Thank you for bearing with me through this long post. Thank you for taking the time out to read it. Continue to be well and whole. Much love 🧡💚
