Month: December 2020

About every other week, sometimes every week I have a “What the fuck is wrong with you Ebony Lamonica Sims?” moment. Along with a “Who does that?” Recently, someone I am cool with shared their feelings with me. Right before he did it, I felt the shift in the air and my defenses went up. I must tell you that it is only after talking with one of my close friends that I even became aware of this reaction. I responded in the most fucked up way possible. I proceeded to tell the person how he felt and pretty much shitted on his feelings. Don’t beat me up. My friends have done it enough already.

The worst part with all of this is I didn’t even know my reaction was wrong until my friend told me 🤦🏾‍♀️. She broke it completely down for me (in a mean way, lol) and I was so disappointed and embarrassed. I was disappointed because here I am thinking I am growing and becoming a better person. Reading books and listening to podcasts only to revert back to the same old me when confronted with an uncomfortable situation. Embarrassed that it took my friend to point it out and that I treated another person that way.

I was also hurt. To realize my thoughtless response had the ability to hurt another person hurt me. I put myself in that other person’s shoes. What if I told my crush how I felt about him and he did the same thing to me? I have finally worked up the nerve to put it all out there and he totally disrespected my feelings. What the fuck Ebony Lamonica Sims!?! Who does that? Obviously me. Even as I am writing this I am overcome with emotions. I was not impeccable with my word. I was mean, hurtful and disregarding. This is a lot for me. I am not handling it well.

These last 2 months I have not been writing as much because I have been feeling too much. I have been feeling whatever the emotions are. To say it has been unpleasant is an understatement. Lol. But I know in order to have the breakthroughs and become the person I want to be, it is necessary. The trick is not to dwell in the feelings. To not let them consume you and take you down. If I held on to every “what the fuck” moment I would be buried. The goal is to feel it, work through it and coming out on the other side a better person. Being more self aware and with new tools to use for the next challenge. My next step is to work through these feelings. I have already started the process. I apologized for my actions. Or would it be reaction 🤔.

If you get nothing else from my blog, I hope you learn what not to do from my countless follies and missteps. Lol. Seriously though, this is one of the reasons why I share these moments. We all have to go through something, but sometimes those things are unnecessary. We bring them upon ourselves. So hopefully me going through necessary and unnecessary (lol) situations can stop you from having to. You can learn from my life experiences and my mistakes. Less mess and less stress for you. Lol. Be well and whole. Much love 🧡 💚

I am always on the line about sharing things that are really personal. So I went back and forth with this post. I am going to be talking about needles and injections. I realize this may make some people squirmish and for those people, I recommend you skip this post. If you can handle it, great. Let’s get started.

If you have read any of my October posts, you know that I am on a medication called Avonex for my multiple sclerosis. Avonex is a once weekly infection that can go into the top of the thigh, side of the thigh or the upper arm. It needs to be infected into a muscle. I had managed to do just that successfully 11 times before. On the Friday of my 12th injection that all changed.

This Friday was just like any other Friday. Prepped all the things that I needed, alcohol wipe, gauze pad, bandage and the syringe with needle attached containing my medicine. Hands washed and ice pack ready, I sat down to prepare my injection site. I found a spot in the general area I usually inject and slapped the ice pack down. This goes on for about 10 minutes while I play a game on my phone. Leg properly numbed and I am ready. I clean the area with the alcohol wipe. Give it a little time to dry and then I insert the needle. About half way in I feel a pain I have never felt before. My leg twitches and shots out. What the fuck!?!?! I pull the needle out, move it over just a little bit. Insert again. The same pain, my leg shots out again.

At this point I am losing it. My leg is hurting so bad and it is bleeding from two different spots. I have to get up and get a totally different bandage because the one I usually use won’t accommodate the full surface. I am now upset and discouraged because I don’t know what went wrong or what to do. My hands are shaking and I really just want to say fuck it. I think about calling the nurse line but what the hell are they going to say? I believe that I have hit a nerve but I can’t be sure. I fall asleep.

I wake up about 2 and 1/2 hours later. I hate the whole idea but I decide to try it again on my other leg, the right leg. I am a little leary though because they don’t recommend doing the same leg back to back. I am too scared to try again in the left leg so I have to take my chances. I once again prep my thigh with ice in the general area I normally inject. I let the ice stay on longer than necessary because I need time to get up the nerve to do this again. I once again clean the area with alcohol and let it dry. I unsheath the needle insert into my leg and I feel an intense pain once again. Now I am truly freaking out. No way did I just hit the nerve in a different leg. Am I just being paranoid? I honestly don’t know but I know I have had it with this shit. I sit down on the floor feeling dejected and hopeless.

But there is something in me that knows, if I don’t conquer this fear, I will never be able to do this again. I go to YouTube and decide to watch a video of someone injecting. The guy in the video is using the Avonex pen, not the syringe but it’s good enough. He is injecting in a different area than I normally use. I finish the video, grab the ice pack and start the process all over again. I’m scared. I’m scared I will hit a nerve again. Scared of rhe pain that comes with that. Scared that I have just met my match and I am going to lose this fight. I once again insert the needle. Oh it hurt, but it was the usual hurt. I pushed the needle in the required amount and injected the medication as I had the previous 11 times.

I apply the bandage, clean up my area and then I cry. I don’t know if I was crying because it was finally over. Or because of the pain. My left leg still hurt like hell. Or a combination of both. I just know I couldn’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. My hands shook as I documented all that just happened. My tears dried and I fell back to sleep.

So what is the point of this long ass story? The point is never give up. At each interval I wanted to say “Fuck it”, throw my hands up and be done. Well I did do exactly that. Lol. But I knew I couldn’t quit. I knew that in no way it would benefit me. I would be without medicine to combat this illness and I would have given into fear. I don’t want fear to rule my life. Now when it came to do the shot this Friday, I was still scared. But I felt a sense of resolve. I was not going to be beaten. I was not going to quit. And I didn’t. I did not hit a nerve at all. I injected and went about my night as usual.

So I say to you, don’t give up. Don’t give into fear. Believe in yourself. Whatever it is that you think you can’t do, you can. You got this! I am rooting for you just as I am rooting for myself. In this life we need cheerleaders and supporters. I will be that for you. What have you pushed through lately? What obstacle tripped you up but you still managed to complete the course? Or what is tripping you up and you need some encouragement? Leave a comment or email me at elsims27@yahoo.com. I want you to be well and whole. Much love 🧡 💚

On this day one of the loves of my life was born. My first love, my nephew, Brandon Sims, Jr. I never call him that. I call him Onion. He has been Onion since he was about 1 year old. Long story. He is now 17. I don’t know when I will stop calling him this nickname. Probably never. Lol. 

 

 

About a year ago I started to write a book for him. It contains all the things I talk to him about right now but I know he isn’t really listening. He is a teenager after all. One day he will be open to these words and actually apply some to his life. I don’t want to heavily influence him instead I want him to have experiences, learn from them and grow in a way that is authentic to him. I am hoping that my book will just be a guide. I plan on giving this book to him on his 18th birthday. The day he will be released upon the world as an adult. He won’t be ready for the responsibility of adulthood. Who ever really is? But he will alway have me guiding him to question the world, his surroundings and what works best for him. All he has to do is open the book.

 

Here is a couple of passages from the book with quotes that I feel fit the topic. I believe these can be beneficial for anyone, no matter their age. 

 

“The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee

 

Focus

 

I know I used to tell you this all the time when you were younger. I wasn’t talking about your mind, I was talking about your eyes. Lol. Now I am totally focused on your mind. Your generation is so overstimulated with all of the technology available to you. Take a moment and step back from these things. Get in tune with yourself. Focus on your gifts, your abilities and your ideas. Know what they are and use them, grow them and work them to your advantage.

 

“Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember — the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar

 

Do Not Let Others Speak Negativity Into Your Life

 

I know that the older generation is so used to saying negative things thinking that they will have a positive effect. Not at all. There are plenty of studies that show that negative reinforcements do not work. That most people respond well to positive reinforcement, rewards and affirmations. So when people say to you, “You are just like your mom”, “If you don’t do this you aren’t going to be something”. Reject those words. Do not let them into your mind. Guard yourself. I know and see your great potential so I do get mad at you sometimes when I see you doing the opposite. When I feel like you are messing up on purpose as if to prove that you are not worthy. You will always be worthy to me. I will always root for you. I am team Brandon no matter what! I will always speak life into you. I will also check you when you are being a little turd. I will push you. I believe in you and I know that you are capable and able to do anything.

 

These same words I say unto you today. We can accomplish anything that we focus on and put our energy towards. It is never too late to change it around. Yes, we may have wasted time on the wrong job, the wrong person or the wrong thoughts. But we can start new. We can focus on our dreams and set new goals to achieve them. 

 

Look at the people around you. Are they supportive of you or are they constantly telling you how it won’t work? Why it won’t work? What is “wrong” with you?  Time to clean house. Misery loves company as the saying goes. Dr. Brene Brown says, 

 

“A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

 

Mic drop 🎤.

 

Be well and whole everyone. Much love 🧡 💚