Month: October 2019

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Socially Awkward or No Filter

I am always and I mean always saying something out of place. I can’t remember exactly how I was when I was younger. I am sure I was the same way, but now in my life, smh. I would describe myself as socially awkward. My good friend Monica said it is more of a lack of filter. Now I can admit that my filter slips. Like I said I’m an 80/20, with 80 being the times the filter is in place. So I’m not sure if that fits me in particular. I am leaning toward socially awkward because I struggle in the real world. Lol. Oh let me count the ways.

For one, I suck at small talk. After the greetings, I’ll just stand there. Like what the hell am I suppose to say? I don’t want to talk about the weather or any damn thing else that doesn’t really matter. News 👎🏾. Hell I can’t give you any more examples because I just don’t partake in it. Unless the other person continues to ask me questions, then I respond and may repeat back the same questions 🤦🏾. I would be prone to ask something serious or none of my business. The awkward part comes in even more when I do that. Half the time I don’t even realize I overstepped. My inefficiency to hold small talk works against me on dating websites as well. He says hi or something else stupid, I say hi. He asks a question. I never respond. Once again what do you say?
Second, I am direct and blunt. Not many sweet words from me. I say it directly in an effort to eliminate misunderstandings. I dislike misunderstandings. I want you to know exactly what I meant. Now with that being said. Sometimes people get it, sometimes they don’t. Unless they are really close to me, either way it goes, they are probably offended. I even offend the people close to me. I try really hard to find ways to say it nicely. Usually, I just say fuck it and just say it the way I’m thinking it. Or I don’t say it at all. Not sure which one is worse.
Third, I stare. Like in an uncomfortable way. Even though I really don’t like people, they fascinate me. I am always trying to figure out why they did something. How they interact with others. It’s interesting. Most times this leads me to stare because I am watching so intently. If you see me looking at you in this way, don’t be offended. I am fascinated by you. This is a good thing. Take my word for it. Lol
Fourth, I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. Occasionally I will pick up on it without someone having to point it out, but most times I’m oblivious. I am the type of person that would just want to say, “Im interested in you. What’s up?” Yes, I know it doesn’t work that way, but why not!?!?! I don’t want to work that hard with the flirting. I look, he looks. We make eye contact. I hold it for a second and then look away. Or I look, he looks. I give a smile and then look away. This is actually probably the worst flirting technique. I smile all the fucking time. Guys are always going to think I’m flirting when in reality, I’m just being friendly 😩. Now how do I get myself out of it when he comes to talk to me and I am totally not interested in him? Somebody, anybody? The linger look is just as bad. Remember I said I stare. I was watching you not flirting, go away. Lol
Fifth, I talk to myself. Yes all the time, about everything. I am talking right now as I am writing this 😂😂😂. It used to be a stigma to talk to yourself. Actually, I’m pretty sure it still is because people always ask who am I talking to. My usual response is whoever is listening. But I’m really just talking to myself.
Sixth, like I said in the post “Today’s Reflections”, I wear headphones a lot. Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, walking around my apartment, on lunch at work, doing yard work, at the library, etc. You name it, I probably have headphones on. I wore them in the tub the other day. Lol. Yes, I know that it is weird. I don’t care. I didn’t want to get my phone wet. Like I said before it is not always effective at stopping people from talking to me, they don’t care. However, headphones are effective for listening to music. I love music. I feel like it makes anything that I have to do in life better.
I am pretty sure I could come up with more examples to solidify my social awkwardness but I think I proved it at this point. This does not negate the issues I have with my filter. But I feel like I have that mostly under control. Well except for last week. I may label that as a socially awkward moment. I am sure there is people that would disagree with me in regards to my filter. People being my friends. But I am not suppose to have a filter with them. They are the people that I can truly be myself with.
Well I think I am going to stop talking before I scare everyone off. Lol. Embrace your quirks and continue to be well and whole.
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Book 42

Now when people talk about their birthdays, they call it chapters. I’m sorry but all that happens in a year of my life could never be reduce to just a chapter. My year reads like a book with 12 different chapters for each month. Some months could even produce an additional chapter. This past year it seemed as if I was not writing an autobiography. It felt like someone else was writing my story. More like a biography or just plain out fiction. I found myself at my defintion of rock bottom. Starting over when I used to think that by this age I would have it all figured out. I am not even close to having it figured out. So many downs and more downs. Lol. I am ready for the ups. With God’s blessings and guidance, Book 42 will be the best book ever written so far in my life.

I have lived a pretty restricted life up to this point. Prided myself on being the good girl. The one that did what was perceived as the right thing. Listened to my mother, more than she thinks. Allowed the things that I learned growing up to dictate how I interacted with the world and people around me. Lived by philosophies that were not my own. I have started to read and listen to different individuals that have their shit together. Now I found out I was doing it mostly wrong. All this damn time, I have been doing this shit wrong. Grrrrrr!!! Now this is not to say all of the teachings were wrong. I know that even as I evolve into who I am meant to be, there are teachings that I will hold onto. They are truly beneficial to me. But there is a great many that do not serve me well. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance. What this means is that my beliefs are not lining up with my actions. I am uncomfortable. Somehow I have to change my beliefs so that my actions make sense. I want better and different. My beliefs are trying to hold me back. Not anymore.

I want to do the things that I think of no matter how crazy they may seem. I want to put all my walls down and let people in. And even when a few of those people hurt me, I want to keep my walls down. I want to lean on the right people to help me through the rough patches. I want to say what I think and feel even if I may get rejected. I want to fall in love. And as one of the characters in a romance novel I just read said, “I want to be known”. How fucking powerful is that? He also said, “I want to know you”. Even more so powerful. I want to be known and accepted. And I want to return that same respect to the man who has my heart. So I have been told, it’s never too late. Well, book 42 ought to be interesting 😉.

Starting Chapter 1, Book 42. As I close the last chapter in Book 41, I can say I am humbled. God has kept me. I am grateful. It could have been worse. I am determined. It also could have been better. I am different. You don’t go through things and come out the same way. I am evolving. I know there is more to me and I want to meet her. I am taking it one day at a time. I am expecting. And not just little things, I am expecting big miracles and success. I am accepting. I know that it will not all go my way. But I am realizing. And this will allow me to regroup and continue to push forward. I am open. How else is love going to find me? I am believing. God has the power and I know He wants what is best for me. I am manifesting. I will use my mind to attract what I want and need. I am blessed. I am a child of God and He loves me.
Happy Birthday to me! To my loyal and faithfully readers, be well and whole. Love you all ❤.
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Me Pt. 5 (Reemergence)

The last few days have been eye opening and life changing. I am so engrossed into finding out who I really am. I know who I am right now but am I suppose to be this person. What about the old me? Did I give too much of her up when she may serve me well right now in my life? What’s really going on? Let me tell you.
So, I have some flaws 😱. Can you believe it? Lol. Here I was thinking I was perfect. I guess not. With that being said, I am pretty bad at articulating what I want to say in a nice way or even in an inoffensive way. I am extremely blunt and how I think it, I say it. I usually think that how I am saying things make sense to me, so of course everyone else is going to understand it. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Those times are few and far in between. Thank God I have friends and family that love me and know I mean no harm. I would be a lonely person if I had to make friends right now in life. Anyways, I said something to an individual in a text message that I probably should not have said at all. Once I told one of my friends, she said it back to me in plain speak and I realize that went all the way left. Like to the point that it came back around and kicked me in my ass. Lol. Yeah…that is how it goes most of the time. The person was offended and that was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that that person would then proceeded to air out their grievances on social media. In a really unnecessary, in my opinion, manner.
Now I am a very private person. I know I have a blog where I talk about myself and my many opinions, but what I share is only the tip of the iceberg. I may constantly put my foot in my mouth but most people wouldn’t know unless I tell them or the other person involved says something. I will seek you out in a private manner to express my thoughts or opinions because that’s me. Everyone don’t need to know everything. And if I say something wrong or offensive, check me right then and there. I am fine with it and I can handle it. Now, I may not agree but I can respect your thoughts and feelings. What I cannot respect is for what I say to become fodder for the attention seeker. For the person who needs validation from others. For a private matter to be made public. Why? I get it. This person was truly offended and I don’t blame them one bit. I actually felt horrible about what I said and was trying to figure out how I could right my wrong. Until…I seen their response.
Now this brings me to the part where I get reacquainted with myself. The me that has been altered to hide parts of myself that are not so pretty. I was ugly with rage. My face was hot. My pits were sweating (I have come to realize this is a true sign of anger for me). My mind clouding up with tongue lashings that I so desperately wanted to deliver. I rarely ever get mad. Upset, irritated but mad, not so much. And it is few and far between when I get mad enough to cuss someone out. Unless I’m driving and that doesn’t count. Lol. I became a version of myself that I had left in the past, for whatever reason. I was changed in that moment and for a good day or so later. I remembered this Ebony. I wanted to embrace her and cut everybody the fuck off and be mean and evil. I wanted to drop my filter completely and verbally abuse anyone who said anything that I perceived as wrong to me. I was ready to be that me again. I had it all planned out. So y’all do know by now that I’m crazy, right? Ok good. Let’s proceed.
What actually happened is I typed out some of my mean comebacks in my phone to help release some of my anger. I text talked to my friends who had me laughing so hard. That helped a lot. I went to sleep. I woke up and I realized I cannot go back to the old me. Oh how I wanted to so bad the day before. I got in the shower and I talked to God. I told Him I did not want to be changed by this. That this was so minor in the grand scheme of things. That I could not be that person again. Now at this point, y’all are probably thinking I am making a big deal about this one incident. But it is not just this one incident. I am constantly pushing down the ugly parts of me to be accepted in polite society. My filter is at 80%. Like we established earlier, I’m not perfect so some things do get through. I am mean people! Like really mean and it is completely natural 🤦🏾.
But on the other hand, I am nice. I say things in a fucked up way but I usually mean well. I am caring, compassionate and loyal as hell. If you have me as a friend, you got me for life. Like it would take some extremely drastic shit for me to give up on you. I am not judgmental and I pretty much keep to myself. I believe in the best of people and I am always putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I believe that my good outweighs my bad. Now what I did get from this is, maybe I am stifling myself a little too much. I may need to lower my filter to 50%. I don’t have to be the old, ultra mean version of myself but I may need to check people a little bit more. I don’t want to hold this stuff in to the point of exploding. I guess I just need to work on my delivery. If I get that down, I can check people all the time. Lol. Seriously though, I have to find a way to convey what I feel without ostracizing people. I know it can be done.
Are there parts of you that are not so pretty? What have you done to change them or to not allow them to interfere with the person you have become? Got any tips for me? I am open to receiving advice. Just don’t get upset if I don’t take it. Lol. I will definitely take it into consideration though. On this rainy Toledo day, I hope you are well and whole.