Month: July 2018

As I was listening to the Quote of the Day show by my future husband (lol) Sean Croxton, I had a huge epiphany. Like major! This show with guest speaker Dr. Joe Dispenza was titled “To Truly Change is to Think Greater than Your Environment”. The topic centered around changing our way of thinking. It was information that I had heard before, but for some reason that day it struck a chord with me.

I realized that I do not have a clear picture of my future and expectations for my life because multiple sclerosis(MS) is such an unpredictable condition. I don’t know what my life will be like from one day to the next much less 2, 5, 10 years from now. And I realize no one really does. Everyone’s life is subject to change in the blink of an eye in a good way or a bad way. But knowing that you have a disease that will most certainly change you year after year puts a little more of a damper on future prospects. I used to love to go for walks in the park and listen to my music. Now I sit on benches in the park and listen to my music. Definitely didn’t foresee that in my future. Yes I am still mobile, Thank God, but I am unable to walk for long distances. So how can I envision my life walking along trails in the park with my significant other? I usually envision the point where he is going to have to give me a piggyback ride because my legs have decided to stop supporting me. Not very romantic.

I am really narrowing this down with the comment I just made, but seriously I am stalled in my present. I know the things that I want for my life, my future, but I can’t envision them clearly. How do you manifest into your life a blurry picture? This has been occupying my mind. I am sure there is a way around it. My friend’s/coworker’s advice was to look at my abilities and capabilities that I have right now and use them in my future envisioning. Not to worry about getting worse. Yes my coworkers are my sounding board. They get everything first. Lol. Then I had another epiphany. I am still living in the past. I have not come to terms with my limitations. I still want to go back to the other Ebony. The healthier Ebony. I still have most of my high heels even though I haven’t worn them in years. I can’t let go! What the hell is wrong with me? At this point, I feel like I might need a MS support group. Lol. I am just a little too antisocial for that, but maybe one day.

I am telling you, you do not want to dig deep in this mind. It is seriously convoluted. Lol. I have to accept my present to move into my future. I cannot live in the past any longer. God blesses me with the ability to walk, work and take care of myself. Yes, occasionally I do need help, but who doesn’t sometimes. I am truly thankful for who I am right now. I really love this Ebony. So I am a little lost as to why I haven’t fully accepted myself. Either way, this preoccupation with previous versions of myself has to end. That Quote of the Day show was just what I needed. It came at just the right time. My mind and my heart was open to receive that message. Seriously, if you haven’t checked it out yet, please do. It is a gem. The website again is www.seancroxton.com.

So with my newfound understanding and desire to make changes so that I can be better, I embark on a new mission. I want to create crystal clear visions and be ready to adjust them with any new changes or developments that may arise. Are you clear about where you want to go? Have you written down your expectations and set goals to get there? If not, what’s holding you back? This may be the time for some self-evaluation. I want to be well and whole. And I also want you to be well and whole. Don’t forget, the world needs you.

This is not exactly how I thought 40 was going to go. Not even close. I am not sure if I can put into words my expectations of this year versus the reality. I can say I thought there would be more trips. Haven’t went on one yet. More dates with friends or men. A couple of friend dates, no men dates at all. More blog posts. Y’all can see how that is going so far. Just more from the last couple of years. I had a great feeling about 40. Not so much now. I don’t have a bad feeling, but it is no longer great. Right now I’m sure people are thinking, why are you not doing anything to make it great? I’ve tried. Most of my plans have been interrupted by unforeseen circumstances or cancellations. The things that I want to do I can, but I don’t want to do by myself. Or just being tired as hell. You know, life. I am usually not one to let things get me down and keep me there. I bounce back quickly. It is weird to feel a chip on my shoulder two days in a row. And other people are noticing it 😨. Not good. So I am sitting here brainstorming ways to get out of this funk.

I know one thing I need is more restful sleep. Lately I having been having dreams about doing the most mundane tasks. I usually have extremely crazy dreams like something out of a twisted horror movie. Honestly, I prefer the crazy ones over the ones where I am cleaning up spills off a floor. Who the hell wants to do that in a dream? Or wash dishes? Or answer phones? The real problem is that it takes me longer to realize it is a dream. I find myself having cleaned half the house before I realize it’s a dream. When they are crazy dreams, since it is so unrealistic, I can pull myself out of them as soon as they go left. Needless to say, I’m not sleeping well. Not sure if over the counter sleep aids work, but at this point it seems like it is worth a try.

Meditation is also an option. I have been interested in meditation for a while. I have even tried it a few times. I cannot keep my mind from wandering. What the hell? I mean not even for a full minute. I think I should invest in some books or some form of research that will help me get past my unfocused mind. Or even yoga. Now I am a little leery about yoga due to my balance issues. The last thing I need is to fall. But I guess chair yoga is an option. Any classes in Toledo that would be later in the day? Most yoga classes are too early in the damn morning, lol, or right in the middle of the day.

As I am reading this back, these seem like some poor ass excuses. Now I have to figure out if this is true. Now I also feel the need to read books about focus, motivation and perseverance. Does anyone else’s mind work like this? I am truly all over the place today and just like this most days. Can y’all imagine my posts if I didn’t take the time to sort through my thoughts? I think people would have a hard time following along. I’m sure there are a few crazies like me that would follow along though. I guess what I am trying to say is I am without direction and unfocused. Unbalanced in my current life. I have been thrown off and I am not sure how to get back on track. I am sure this period of uncertainty will work itself out. It is just no fun going through it right now. If I am in any way mean to you, please don’t take it personal. It is definitely me, not you. Unless you are one of those people who always gets on my nerves, then it’s you. Lol.

As I find my way back to a balanced life, I say to you, be well and whole.

New book, well I have actually had it for a while.

As soon as I seen it at Target, I had to have it. I, of course have not read through all 3000 questions or answered any of them on paper either. I did skim through a few pages. I think that they are some pretty interesting questions. One that I did not like was, “Who would you kill if you could get away with it?” Until this weekend that is. The truck driver that tried to run me off the road has earned that spot. Lol. I wouldn’t kill him. God will get him for me.

I am in a phase, no…a place in my life where I have found that what I have been doing, I can do much better. There is a constant search for improvement whether it is through books, listening to motivational speeches or watching sermons on YouTube. I have picked up on some really great ideas but I just haven’t implemented any of them on a consistent basis. Either I will start the practice for a few days and fall off after about a week or keep researching and never put it into action. Yes, I am a procrastinator. Yes, I know that there are books to help with that as well. Yes, I am procrastinating about reading those books. I am great at my bad habits. Not so great with creating new, healthier ones.

I started to listen to Steve Harvey’s book “Jump”, where he pretty much is saying stop waiting and letting fear or not knowing all the steps stop you from doing great things.

I fall into that category completely. There is a really great clip going around and it is on YouTube were he does a small inspirational talk about this same topic. I recommend that you check it out if you haven’t seen it. I did not finish the book, but not because I’m a procrastinator. I actually purchased the audiobook and he let someone else narrate the book. Why?? As much as he talks, that should have been right up his alley. I couldn’t reconcile the voice of the other man with the words that pertained to Steve’s life experiences. It didn’t mesh well in my mind. Now when I see an author who did not narrate their own audiobook, I don’t buy it.

If you are looking for inspiration but don’t have the time to read a book, my future husband (lol) Sean Croxton has a website called www.seancroxton.com where he takes a snippet of a motivational speech and play it almost daily. He does not post any on Saturdays and Sundays. It is called the Quote of the Day Show. I try to listen to them in the morning when my brain is fresh so I can get the most out of what is being covered. It is a definite morning pick me up. And you can listen to it as you brush your teeth and get dressed. Usually not more than 12 minutes. If you are at a crossroads, working on becoming a better person or just love gaining new and different perspectives, check out a couple of these books talked about in this post. Sean Croxton also has an e-book called “The Money Mind Reset”. I am investing time this week in reading the whole thing, no procrastinating.

Another book I recommend is “Abundance Now” by Lisa Nichols.

Lisa Nichols also has a website called Motivating the Masses. You can subscribe to her weekly newsletter that helps you tackle some real issues and give you words of wisdom to use in your daily life. If you are going to read Steve’s book “Jump”, make sure it is not the audio version. This next book I read with my book club, “Think Better, Live Better” by Joel Osteen. It can be read over and over again. There was so much that I got out of it. I even wrote down some of the really great phrases on cue cards to look at daily.

We are great but we can be better. Sometimes it takes reading a book to get the concept that someone else has been telling you all along. We have a tendency to look at correction as attacks, when really the person telling us has our best interest at heart. Maybe we aren’t ready to hear what they have to say or their delivery is off. If someone’s message is one of negativity or discouragement, don’t listen to that one! But oddly enough, those are the ones we tend to listen to. Lol. Allow your visions to flourish into reality. Take action and if you don’t know how, there is a book for that.

I have always wanted to end my post with a tagline. Something that represented me. I haven’t figured one out just yet, but we will stick with this one for now. Be well and whole.

Also, I know Monday is almost over, but I was having some difficulty adding my pics. I didn’t want to let this day get away. For one, I didn’t feel like changing the title. Lmao. Two, someone may have needed this message tonight.